I hate myself and want to die...

...is the name of the book my aunt sent to me this Christmas. It's a very witty book all about the author, Tom Reynolds, voted 52 most depressing songs you've ever heard (in fact, that's the second part of the title). The minute I saw the book, I began to chuckle. It's got the saddest looking moth eaten bunny on the cover, and well, if anything it's an interesting title. Then I started reading. Ha!

This book is irresistable when it comes to wanting to read it out loud. Really. I was reading entire chapters to Mum and Wends, and I could barely finish sentences because of laughter. It's the kinda book where you want to quote whole passages because it's just that damn funny. For instance:
"...in order for critics to take you seriously, you had to follow a specific formula:
1. write a song with really depressing lyrics.
2. sing it with a shitty voice."

And that's just in the intro.

Basically, Reynolds breaks up his songs into categories such as:

• I Hate Myself and Want to Die - "self-pitying songs in which the singer is under the delusion that his or her personal problems are of great interest to everyone"
• She Hates Me, I Hate Her - "a couple's crumbling relationship is put to music, then dumped on listeners, who are expected to act as unpaid therapists"
• I Mope, Therefore I Am - a hall of fame of "songs by artists who've built their entire careers out of bumming the shit out of everyone"
• Perfect Storms - "the absolute most depressing"; songs of "Live Wolverine Shoved Down my Pants proportions"

If you get a chance, pick up a copy. Trust me, it's worth it.

Merry Christmas sans mices...

It has been a little while since I've written last on my blog. I've been keeping busy with work and play, mostly work, but that's ok. Off work time has been mainly involving watching movies and wrapping prezzies so I would be ready for today (and she done good!)

However, there are a few highlights worth mentioning from the play side of things. The first was a evening of bands with my friend Shawn - we went to Supermarket to see a variety of bands, but mainly The Postage Stamps. The sound was great, though some of the bands weren't really quite as prepared as they could be. All the same, it was fun to see some new bands. We were pleasantly surprised by a band called The Rest, so much so that we bought the CD. I really enjoy it. I'm really glad I went - I just felt really bad I couldn't pay more attention to the Stamps though - by the time they came on it was almost 1 am, and we were tuckered out. Next time I promise to do better.

Secondly, I got to see Handel's Messiah with FT again. This year it was especially cool because it was actually a different Messiah - yep, it was Mozart's arrangement of Handel's Messiah. Very cool. Apparently, it was very common for people to comission other artists to revamp another composer's work to suit a different audience and what we heard was the product. It's very similar, but more upbeat and it has a lot more choral parts which I, of course, am a big fan off. There were quite a few recognizable "Mozart moments" that I noticed, as it tended to follow a similar style to Mozart's Missa Brevis that I used to sing with my choir in Kingston at Easter. Also, it was kinda neat because a girl I know from Queen's was in the choir, and I could spot her. Maybe next year I should join! :) After the show we all went to Marche and ate food - it was great to sit with Robby J, Sue and Lisa again and to drink Manhattan. It was a NYC moment. Loved it all.

That Sunday, the 17th, was also a special FT celebration. We had a Love Feast. This is something that was done for years, but hasn't happened in a while. Essentially, it's a big feast where all the LRs create a plate of food and we all serve each other. We were even lucky enough this year to share the experience with Grace Church Toronto, as we used their new space. It was very cool. Lots of good food, and all three pastors prepared a little mini-sermon and it was just in the right vein for Christmas. I'm really glad this happened and it worked so well.

That night, however, I did have a small adventure in my own house. I was woken up at 3:30am by scrabbling noises. Now, I live alone, so noises of this sort are all the more frustrating and bothersome. So I get up. Turn out the mice I though that I had gotten rid of have found the food outside my cupboard and were chowing down near my kitchen door. YUCK! In fact, they were so enjoying themselves that were looking straight at me. They finally scampered away, and I set to the task of cleaning up mice poo and half-eaten pasta. Then I set out poison. About 30 min later I hopped back into bed with a chance of two more hours of sleep. But it goes without saying that I couldn't fall asleep again. Sigh...but at least the mice were gone....right? Nope. Turn out they hit up my counter next because I'd left a couple of dirty pots there. Crap. Literally. But at least I didn't discover this until the next day...I guess. Moral of the story: never again will there be a dirty dish left on my counter!

Last week was pretty good. I got to spend two days hanging out with MB at work which was nice, as I very rarely get to see him. We chatted about a few different things, and we had lunch together. Very cool guy. On Thursday, I got to Ryan and Kevin together - we went to see The Primordials, Shawn's band, play at the Boat in Kensington. Very fun. Even rappa-loving-brotha Ry got to dancing. :) Friday night was spent in Oshawa with my girls, and Saturday I came to KW on the train. Serendipitously, I ended up having my friend Michelle who I have been trying to catch up with for months sit next to me, so we had a nice hour long chat. Very cool girl.

The rest of the week is Christmas. It's been good. It's nice to see family and to have some traditions, seeing as there has been a lot of change in my life as of late. The only downer is that Mum and Wends have been really sick, and now Dad's getting a scratchy throat. That is one thing I do not want this Christmas...so, here's hoping to staying well.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

Now, I must depart, White Christmas is on TV, and well, it's just not Christmas until I've watched a few of my fav numbers.

God bless everyone!

On fasting

Today I am fasting. Last Sunday, David gave and FT wide call to fast today as a sign of recommiting to God. Love the idea. The practical aspects, not so much.

This is only my second fast ever - the first I did right before my baptism. It was no fun, and it was a bad day in general. I didn't know what to expect, and well, I was a little let down, I think. I had always believed that in fasting I would have some sort of amazing experience where I could feel God near me. I though my life would be changed forever. I thought it was going to be more than in was. In fact, really, I was just hungry, dizzy and cranky.

Maybe that's a part of it. You have to be cranky and feel awful because the task is crappy. It's not meant to feel good, but rather show how much nicer it is when you do have the ability to eat. Today I don't feel nearly as bad as I could though. I'm surviving on nothing but water, and I feel prepared to do this.

Yes, I may complain a little, but it's just another moment to lay my life down and confirm - Yes, man does not live on bread alone.

On Christ the Lord Out of Egypt

I just finished reading an interesting book called Christ the Lord Out of Egypt by Anne Rice. This is her first book since coming back to Christianity and well, it's a very captivating story. She's an incredibly smart and well researched author. I liked the book, but I expected to as I am a fan of her writing.

What I wasn't expecting, however, was the impact that her afterword had on me. Wow. It makes the whole thing worth reading. In fact, it some of the most well written thoughts on faith and the Gospels that I've read in a long time. I've decided to share some of my favourite parts:

What gradually came clear to me was that many of the skeptical arguments -- arguments that insisted most of the Gospels were suspect, for instance, or written too late to be eyewitness accounts -- lacked coherence. They were not elegant. Arguments about Jesus himself were full of conjecture. Some books were not more than assumptions piled upon assumptions. Absurd conclusions were reached on the basis of little or no data at all.

In sum, the whole case for the nondivine Jesus who stumbled into Jerusalem and somehow got crucified and had nothing to do with the founding of Christianity and would be horrified by it if he knew about it -- that whole pciture which floated in the liberal circles I frequented for thirty years-- that case was not made. Not only was it not made, I discovered in this field some of the worst and most biased scholarship I'd ever read.

I saw almost no skeptical scholarship that was convincing, and the Gospels, shredded by critics, lost all intensity when reconstructed by various theorists. They were in no way compelling when treated as composites and records of later "communities".

I was unconvinced by the wild postulations of those who claimed to be children of Enlightenment. And I had also sensed something else. Many of these scholars, scholars who apparently devoted their life to New Testament scholarship, disliked Jesus Christ. Some pitied him as a helpless failure. Other sneered at him, and some felt an outright contempt. This came between the lines of the books. This emerged in the personality of the texts.

I'd never come across this kind of emotion in any other field of research, at least not to this extent. It was puzzling.

The people who go into Elizabethan studies don't seek out to prove that Queen Elizabeth I was a fool. They don't personally dislike her. They don't make snickering remarks about her, or spend their careers trying to pick apart her historical reputation. They approach her in other ways. They don't even apply this sort of dislike or suspicion or contempt to other Elizabethan figures. If they do, the person is usually not the focus of the study. Occasionally a scholar studies a villain, yes. But even then, the author generally ends up arguing for the good points of a villain or for his or her place in history, or for some mitigating circumstance, that redeems the study itself. People studying disasters in history may be highly critical of the rulers or the milieu at the time, yes. But in general scholars don't spend their lives in the company of historical figures whom they openly despise.

But there are New Testament scholars who detest and despise Jesus Christ.

[...]

Now somewhere during my journey through all of this, as I became disillusioned with the skeptics and with the flimsy evidence for their conclusions, I realized something about my book.

It was this. The challenge was to write about the Jesus of the Gospels, of course!

Anybody could write about a liberal Jesus, a married Jesus, a gay Jesus, a Jesus who was a rebel. The "Quest for the Historical Jesus" had become a joke because of all the many definitions it has ascribed to jesus.

The true challenge was to take the Jesus of the Gospels, the Gospels which were becoming ever more coherent to me , the Gospels, which appealed to me as elegant first-person witness, dictated to scribes no doubt, but definately early, the Gospels produced before Jerusalem fell-- to take the Jesus of the Gospels, and try to get inside of him and imagine what he felt.

- written by Anne Rice, February 24, 2005

I got a new "job" today

This evening I went to what I thought was an interview about doing props for a children's theatre group. Interestingly enough it was more along the lines of "Yes, you're in, we need you, what can you make with this said prop?"

Random. Guess I'm making something fun over Christmas.

Kindred sillies

Over the last little while, I've begun to realize just how much I value my friends. I went through a shitty little phase in the summer/fall and I was having a hard time with friendships in general. And well, I feel like that hurt is moving into something new and exciting...something that will teach me to be a better friends. That's exciting. I'm glad of it.

But I do have to say, it's nice that friends don't give up on you. I like having what Anne Shirley would call kindred spirits to share you life with. Or as I like to put it "kindred sillies" - people who love you no matter how silly you are.

Thanks sillies.

Holiday sweaters

It's been ages, and I've been busy, so excuse the neglecto-blogger once more...

Last Friday, I got invited to one of my favourite things - A THEME PARTY! Woo(t)! Yes, all it was a holiday sweater party. The object of it was to find a hideous holiday sweater, embrace it, and where it. So fun! I got the invite mid-afternoon on Friday, roped in a partner in crime (Eee) and then went to the Sally Anne to get my outfitted. I managed to find a few really great things.

The first was a very awesome light up Christmas tie. Yes, it also play Christmas music. It outfitted Enoch's man vest. I also got a fun gold sweater I would actually wear. Then I got a kids Christmas t-shirt. I would also wear this. And last but not least the hideous sweater. A giant blue frilly/mohair sweater that's out of the 80's. Something borederline ('cause all girls know the object is to be outfitted for the party, yet cute at the same time). It was great. Mostly because my outfits started to outfit half the party, and also because they were useful in the small photo shoot I did to my friend Mae before I went.

Either way, the evening was a success. I had the most fun I've had in a while, and I cherish the memories.

In fact, it's pulling me through another long week of work.

I can't wait 'till Christmas.

Clearly Toronto is a small world.

Tonight I went to see a rockin' show at the Rivoli played by my pal Colin Munroe. It was a great show and both Colin's band and the opening band were really tight. I was really glad I went. And on top of that, I ran into an old friend from school Anton and let me tell you exactly why it's such a small world.

You see I met Anton at Queen's through my good friend Shamus "Damn I'm" Fynes who was in Bye Bye Birdie with me and who was also in my acting class. All three of us were in Music 121 together (The Social History of Popular Music) and we would sometimes sit together. In the summer of 2004 at Summer Playaz (that Shamus was in), I met Anton's best friend from home Daniel Roberts. Yes, the very same Dan that I ended up loving and dating for a while. As I was dating Dan I met his other best friend Cody very briefly. Cody went to OCAD and was in film and directed Dan in a movie that Dan told me about. Later it turned out that the other director for that movie was my good friend Karl (aka Wendel to them). I found this out about a year ago, and it was kinda strange to put things together with Karl and Dan. Weird.

Move forward to about 2 months ago - Colin was getting his band together and one of the guys in the band was Josh Lyon. Both of these boys got to FT with me and Karl. Josh is friends with another band member, Adam, and because of him spent a year living with Cody and Dan. I found this out because I had posted a pic of me and Dan on my Flickr site and Josh commented on it. I thought that was weird too. Then tonight I went to see Colin play and who is there but Anton and Cody to see their friend Adam play. Weird.

Small world, isn't it?

Bad nettiquette?

So, I added pics of my trip to Kingston with friends without asking permission. I was told this was bad etiquette - what do we all think out there?

Giving into to some temptation

I can't wait to decorate my house for Christmas - I'm just itching to decorate...and well, I'm slowly winning the fight. Well, sorta. You see, I set myself a goal to not decorate until December starts - yep, so I wait until Friday. Tonight I gave in and put up some lights.

That's not so bad, right?

Ben inspiration

Thanks to DC for finding this. It's pure GOLD!

Steel Shank

Last Sunday night, me and my MTL crew (MN & DC) watched a great movie called Kinky Boots. The premise of the movie is as follows: a son inherits a struggling men shoe company from his father and doesn't know what to do with the failure. Someone suggests finding a niche market, and by hapenstance, he finds one in the most unlikely place: with a drag queen! Women's boots aren't made to support the weight of a man - why can't there be sexy boots made to do so? Fun story, and based on true events nonetheless. Anyway - to my point. In one scene, a very conservative looking older worker, whom the "boss" sercretly believes is judging him, all of a sudden spout off a great idea for solving the weight vs. stiletto problem: a steel shank (from toe to heel). It was such a golden line, DC and MN decided to take it on as a symbol of all great breakthroughs. Steel shank.

So today I was thinking about a sermon David had last week at FT. The was talking about putting Jesus into the dark part of your life, and being willing to accept His working in your life. And I just thought of something - Jesus is my steel shank. Very cool. He holds me together and supports me, and well, takes every step with me.

I like that.

I really should be sleeping

I'm still awake, messing around on the internet. Heavens I am a junkie because I miss my blog and My Space and Facebook, etc when I haven't checked them in a while. I just got back from Montreal tonight. It was a great week, and I'm really glad I went. I really had a chance to get to know MN and DC better, and to meet some of the people I email at work all the time but whom I've never met. Plus I did lots of good fun things - good eats, shopping, and the like. It was really good. I'd forgotten how much I love Montreal, seeing as I used to go there almost every second year when growing up. It's got a great vibe to it, and there are great places to eat, and there's French around you. Love it.

All that being said, I'm glad to be home. It's been a long week in more ways than one, and I'm glad to have my bed back. I'm glad I'm going to see some of my friends at church tomorrow. I've missed them - really. I kept picturing them with me in Montreal. I guess that's a good sign. :)

And I'll be really glad to have church. Church is really good after a long week. I just really, really hope it will be bearable and comfortable. I hope I see God there. I know He will be there, I just hope to see Him and feel His presence. I've been missing that too.

Now to bed...

Adventuring once again

I am once again becoming a traveller - getting out of the T-dot and doing something different. I just need to go, to get out, and well this weekend and week is a great opportunity. You see friends - I am currently sitting in Montreal, blogging from a colleague`s home computer. (Yay, MN!) She kindly let me stay with her after a last minute decision to come to Montreal after going to Kingston this weekend to hang out with my work crew. I`m loving it. I haven`t been here since I was in first year (other than some rather forgettable flights in from JetsGo). Not only is it great to work from here with my Montreal crew, but I also have had a chance to catch up with my friend Genviève (one of the memorable things from JetsGo). Pictures and craziness will follow.

New York Pics

As a tribute to my finally finished New York trip post (see below), I wanted to highlight my pics of the trip. You can see the full glory on my Flickr site, but here is a lovely slide show as a preview.

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

Haikus

a very fine line lies
in between love and hate
nothing is easy


beaten black and blue
our hearts seek love possible
but it eludes us

Retail therapy

I love Sonic Boom. Tonight I picked up some tunes at a great price:

• Bob Marley - Legend
• Radiohead - Amnesiac
• Radiohead - OK Computer
• Radiohead - Hail to the Theif
• The Fugees - The Score

It's totally Radiohead in the lead, but the albums were in great condition and CHEAP! Plus, I don't own them, just have them on my iPod thanks to Karl. So, I'm happy..ish.

I feel like a trainwreck.

Maybe it was the junkfood. Maybe it was the sappy movie. Maybe it's facing work after a week's vacation. Maybe not.

In any case, I feel really rotten. And lonely.

But mostly rotten.

I think I'm a bad friend. I don't stay in touch, I say things maybe I shouldn't. I screw things up, and I feel sad and poisonous inside.

And that's what makes me feel rotten.

So, I'm sorry all. For all the crap, and the hurt. I'm sorry.

I promise to do better. Don't give up on me.

Still unsure

I think I've made a bad move. And that might mean I've lost a friend. I don't know.

I just pray that's not the case.

I just don't know.

And that was NYC baby

I'm here, I'm home. Back on Canadian soil. I got back at about 1:30 AM last night after our very hefty drive home - thanks Lisa! We made it, and we had a great time! I've loved this birthday trip. Wow. And now, the details:

Friday morning, we hit the road at the "ass crack of dawn", as Sue would say, and by crack, we do mean that the sun had not yet risen. I was picked up just after 6 AM, we got coffee and were on the Gardiner at 6:40 rolling allong. We hit the border about 10ish, and we were off through Buffalo and into upstate New York. From here we had a good adventure seeing as our lovely navigator Robby J had a fun route mapped out for us along smaller highways through the countryside. We ended up seeing the likes of town like Fishes Eddy and Owego among others, and the scenery was great. We passed the Finger Lakes, and at one point we were even straddling Pennsylvania. We made good time, and we hit close to the destination around 4:30ish, making it into New York City without a stitch of traffic thanks to Robby J's "secret" ways. Awesome! There were were riding across the George Washington bridge. Hello New York!

Our first stop the hostel that Rob and I were staying at Jazz on Lenox at 128th and Lenox, which is basically in "deepest darkest" Harlem. I know, I know, most people are thinking we're nuts to be staying there, but really, it's a great area. It was clean and friendly, and it's a place that's got such history. Imagine, we were around the corner from the Appollo theatre. Luckily the place seem safe and clean, and we were all set. Then we dropped off Sue in Morningside Heights to stay with her friends and we got dressed there for an evening out. Now, this was also an adventure. Really we spent more time being cranky girls in heels in the rain than sociable at the club. This is because it turn out that the street we were on was quite long, and to get to our intersection was too far to walk. No cabs were coming, and we didn't know what subway stop to hit and ended up walking in and out of the subway about 5 times. Gah! Finally we got to our destination, met Lisa's friends, and had a drink (which I couldn't finish as I was falling asleep - this was hour 20 of being awake!) Eventually we left, made it home safe and crawled into bed.

The next morning, Rob and I decided to have breakfast together before I headed out to meet my friend Andrei for the day. We picked one from his book, it was reasonably close (83rd and Broadway), and it was the same place where Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks meet in You've Got Mail. Very cool. The breakfast turned out to be AMAZING! I'm still dreaming about it! Rob had a shitake mushroom quishe and I ate a "British breakfast" which consisted of steamed eggs and a raisin scone with Devon cream and fruit preserves. So good. After breakfast we walked from 83rd to 59th and I met Andrei for the day. That was fun. Andrei was very good at showing me around the city and making sure I saw interesting places and quirky things. We walked and talked a lot. I saw Studio 54, Zigfield Theatre, the Theatre District, Times Square and he took me to see some interesting things in Greenwich Village. It was nice. Really nice. Especially because sometimes it seems interesting that Andrei and I ended up friends. Most people thought we wouldn't ever be friends. But we are, and I think he's fantastic. ;)

Later on in the afternoon, Andrei went on his way to see his friend, and I ventured on the subway to meet up with Lisa, Sue and Rob in Brooklyn. Little did I know they were going to be late and I was going to get stuck in a rather sketchy seeming area of town with a full bladder! Luckily I found a decent looking establishment, made a lame excuse about meeting friends, used the bathroom and left. Ha! Well played, I say. Once we all got together, we hit up Grimaldi's Pizzeria for dinner. Another great meal. The place is one of two remaining coal fired pizza places left in NYC, both of which boast of being the oldest. Either way, it was fantastic! We ordered two large pizzas and two carafs of red wine to start. The owner, a very gregarious Italian, took a liking to our table and especially to Sue, so he kept coming over and visiting us. We then were convinced to order dessert and coffee. Again, so good! It was a great meal.

After dinner, despite the cold, Sue, Rob and I decided to tough out the walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. It was so windy that it almost felt like we were going to blow off, but it was definately worth it! The view is very cool, especially at night. And were weren't even the only ones trying to cross. I can't believe we made it! Check out some pics:




Sunday, my birthday, was packed with church, brunch at a great place called Chumley's in The Village, and then lots and lots of walking. We headed to SoHo, NoHo, The Village - everywhere. It was awesome. I got myself a great pair of boots (I've been looking for some new black ones) and also a necklace from a vendor on the street. After a brief rest, Sue, Rob and I headed to the main event of the day: Evil Dead the Musical. Wow - now that was a crazy experience. I started out working with Chris Bond about 5 years ago on Pirates of Penzance for QMT, and now him and some other boys that I know have written their own musical and landed on Broadway. Really. Although it wasn't necessarily their taste, both Rob and Sue made the best of their first Broadway experience and they got to meet Chris, George and Frank (director, librettist and composer respectively). Then it was dinner and home. Special props goes out to George "Tough Guy Tequila" Rienblatt for stopping by to help me celebrate my 25th.

Monday, our last day, was a nice day for all of us to get out and do our own thing. We had breakfast together and then we split off to get a few things done. I wanted to explore Central Park, and after a brief wrong turn to Riverside Park and a lot of walking, I was proud to say I'd spent some time sitting in the park, taking in a gorgeous day. Then it was a sneaky pit stop at the Museum of Natural History, and I hit the subway to get to Magnolia Bakery in The Village to get me some lovely, lovely world famous cupcakes. (And yes, they are the cupcakes featured here). After that we met up and faced the long drive home - but of course not without a stop to the Duty Free to get scotch for the girs and port for Rob. Lisa drove like a pro, and there we were, back in Toronto.

Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Halloween

I just got back in from a night of scary movies and dinner with friends. It was a great way to spend the evening and it was a nice relazed Halloween. Next year, if I'm in the country, I promise I will dress up. I miss that.

Happy Halloween all!

And the adventure begins.

There are 3 days left before my birthday. I am leaving at the crack of dawn to go to New York City with my lovely friends Sue, Lisa and Robby J. We are driving down and are going to have a HUGE adventure. I can't wait. I can't believe it's actually happening. I'm going to be in NYC for the first time since I was in grade 11. I am going to see my friend Andrei. I am going to see Evil Dead The Musical on Broadway for my Birthday.

Wicked, awesome, cool.

Impromptu Girls Night!

Thank goodness for girls. On Monday night, my friend Kate called me with a delightful proposition. After all the adventures over the last few weeks, we haven't had any real time to chat, and so she proposed and impromptu girls night. Excellent. Always a rare thing, and I was very happy to oblige. So, I met up with her after another meeting and we headed two get two very essential things: 1) a cheesy romantic comedy and 2) a bottle of wine. The movie was Just My Luck with Lindsay Lohan and the wine was a Naked Grape Chardonnay. Truly a great combination. We got a little tipsy, watched the rather silly, but quite enjoyable movie and chatted.

Thanks Kate, I needed that.

Musings of a drama queen.

Today I'm angry. And I never know how to truly productively deal with anger. Sometimes my anger scares me. Sometimes it just burts out. I don't like that. I don't like my trantrum/violent tendencies when angry. But nonetheless, I am angry.

Once again I've been hurt. I didn't want to be. I tried to protect myself but it all got jumbled in the mess of life. It's complicated. I don't know how to fix it. I almost wish I had just scraped my knee instead of letting the heart and mind get involved. Those are the hurts that scar the most.

And the anger is just salt in the wound.

I keep thinking baby steps. But the steps are the same. And I'm floundering. And I'm tired. And I don't want to hurt anymore.

But I can't run away. That's just an easy temporary fix. But are you running away when you're taking time to dust yourself off?

I just don't know.

I guess I just have to stop being afraid to get the hands dirty, pray, and be patient.

Couldn't be happier!

So it's over and done, and it was a really great show. Wicked is definately worth seeing. I am so glad that I got a chance to go. In fact, I couldn't be happier! :)

The night was just lovely. My friend and I went to dinner and then got coffee before heading over to the theatre. It was packed with excited people, and we were in a good section on the Mezzanine. And then it started, and it was great. The costumes and technical aspects were really good, and the cast did a phenomenal job. My only criticism is that it seemed a tad slow on the pick up, but once it got going, it really went. I was really impressed at how they took Gregory Maguire's book and made it work onstage. I won't go into too much detail about what happens, mostly because there are a few plot twists that are just worth waiting for. (It also explains why there is not summary in the CD cover). But yes - got see it!

Thanks again, friend. This was a truly great birthday gift.

7 more days.

Birthday countdown is still a-go-go.

More excitement!

I love it when life turns around and starts being good again. Really. This week has been much better. I went from feeling in the dregs to feeling on top of the heap. Woo! So, to add to the excitement of going to see Wicked TOMORROW, I also got an email last night from a good friend who lives in NYC. I emailed him in the desperate attempt to get his number so I can meet up with him next week when I'm going to be in town. He rarely checks his email, but I though I would try. Lo and behold a day later I got a response, and his number! Woo! And I also got a couple of lovely email recently from a friend who's in Germany and I'm so glad we've gotten back in touch! Woo!

Plus, it's FRIDAY and there are only 9 days to my birthday! Woo!

I can't sit still.

Musical obsession

I really cannot wait for Saturday. I've been listening to clips of the show from the web, and I am so excited. I've been wanting to go for ages. This is going to be awesome. Argh...I can barely contain myself today. I want to be at home cranking my CD and singing and dancing in my living room. I want to defy gravity! Woo!

p.s. 10 days to my birthday.

Best present ever!

Last night I got a really amazing early b-day present. I've got tickets to see Wicked! I can't wait. I've been wanting to go for ages! It's going to be wicked awesome cool.


Thanks friend. You rock!

Rachel's cottage: The continuing story

"Hey Felicity, wanna come entertain me on Saturday when I go to get my cottage ready to be shut down?"

It started innocently enough...

Yesterday I got "suckered" into accompanying Rachel to her cottage for part of the day so we could clean out the fridge, etc and get it ready for the winter. Really, it just means making sure you leave nothing available for the mice to have a party with. So, I agreed. There is no harm in a road trip. Our initial plan was to leave at 11 am and stay for the day and come back in the evening. Ha! Initial plan being the operative words. Because I had to get my hair cut at 11, we pushed that back to noon, and well, we were flexible. So, my hair got cut, some errands were run, and some food was eaten. In the end we left the city at 2 pm!

The ride up to the cottage was relatively uneventful except that we seemed to hit every single type of weather possible on the way there. First it was dreary cloudy weather with sun in the distance, next it was a sprinkling of rain. Then came sun, next came a downpour of rain, then came hail! Luckily Rachel drove like a pro, and inside the couch we had Ben Folds keeping us going. (Yay Song for Silverman!) Finally we pulled into the cottage safe and sound around 5 pm. It was such a contast to see the autumn leaves on the ground a bare trees, but it was lovely.

Just as I was taking in the view I suddenly here "Oh Holy Shit!" I'm thinking there can't be anything wrong now, we're safe...and then Rachel says "I forgot the keys to the cottage in Toronto!" WHAT?!?! Oh my goodness. It was almost surreal. Really funny, but surreal. We paused, and decided not to give up after our 2 hr drive. So, we get into the covered porch and check out the locked cottage door - how do we pick this? For a few minutes we played with tools, which were luckily outside, an tried to get in. Then while Rachel was on the phone to engineering/possible deliquent type friends in Toronto I decided to investigate other ways of getting in.

So, I went checked out the cabin. I tried the screen door, and thought about other windows. Then it struck me - the windows near the dining area! I ran over to Rachel and screamed "I've got a plan!" and set about my task. With a little craftiness, I managed to get the screen to come off one of the windows at the back and wanted to desperately get the window open. Luckily after a little playing, I managed to get the window to open as well. Now the next step was deciding how to get my body in - would I fit? I decided there was no better way then head first. I launched myself in. Just as this moment, Rachel came back to see my arse in the air half-way in her cottage. She laughed and said "Let me in!" And that is how we managed to start our cottage adventure.

Once we got in, we got the hot water and baseboard heaters working. Next step - a nice fire to warm the house up. I managed to get a fire lit, and we sat in our coats under blankets and decided to watch Sleepless in Seattle. Of course, at this point we were a little hungry, but didn't really feel like heading into town for dinner supplies. We were fortunate to find some frozen burger and buns among the condiments, so we decided to settle for that. (Little did I know they weren't completely frozen before Rachel defrosted them - not until she asked the next day! Oi! I swear she's trying to poison everyone!)

By this time, things were getting a little warmer in the cottage. My goal was to maintain the fire to keep us warm, but I was having some trouble. All they dry logs in the cabin were thick and were burning really slowly. I wasn't about to get a hatchet and chop them on the hearth, so I settled for trying to improvise. I managed to find a nice flat board to burn, tucked in the back. I do admit it was a little big for the fireplace, but still, it would burn. And burn it did. But in doing so it filled the cabin with smoke to such a degree we had to open the window to let cold air in and the smoke out. Oops! Of course, I didn't want to give up my piece of wood, but finally I caved to Rachel's reason. I took the lonely, burning log and threw it over the balcony into the wet leaves. And no, it did not catch on fire, but it was pretty funny.

The rest of the night was significantly better. We watched Mr. Holland's Opus, ate our not-so-poisonous burgers, and just layed low. Rachel and I had a good talk about stuff, and I also got a chance to work on a project I've been meaning to start for a while now. It was good. I managed to find some better logs to burn and built the fire up right before we crawled under tons of covers on the sofas next to the fire. And we slept.

We got up early the next morning with the intention of leaving for home early, aiming to be back around 10 or 11. We left at 9:30. We took an hour long pit stop in Barrie for coffee, dollar store goodies, and we even looked in Winners. We left the parking lot in Barrie at 11:55. We arrived at Allan Road at 12:32. Go Rachel! It was a good drive, the weather was much better, and we arrived safely. No gut rot, no overly smoked out lungs, happier and in good stead.

Thanks for a great time, Ms. Beck.

This birthday is still coming...

14 more days.

God, love and pie

Are all good.

Chugosh and I are in agreement.

:)

All I can do

This song played on the radio this morning, and I really like the lyrics:

When you're on your own
When you're at a fork in the road
You don't know which way to go
There's too many signs and arrows
You haven't laughed in a while
When you can't even fake a smile
When you feel ashamed
The uniform don't make you brave

All I can do is love you to pieces
Give you a shoulder to cry when you need it
When the day is long and the night is coming down on you
All I can do
All I can do
All I can do

The hermit emerges.

So, faithful readers, here are the lame excuses for being a bad writer these days. They are lame, but true.

1) I've been sick.
2) I've been really busy, at work especially.
3) I've been preoccupied with fixing up my house.

Side note, three weeks to my birthday, or 20 days, actually. Cool.

Rollercoaster of Love...

Once again, I am stuck thinking about love. God and love. After all this time, you'd think that I'd becoming to more of an understanding. Alas, I definately find the opposite. The more and more that I seek true love, love as intending by God, the more I find I am confused. And I'm happy and I'm sad all at the same time. It's a roller coaster.

So, of love, most of us are familiar with the following biblical definition:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rud, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delieght in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

These familiar words have been said so often that it becomes easy to forget the weight of what they really saying. What do they mean to you?

I try to stop and think about that occaisionally. In a words where loving someone or being in love seems so much more hightened an experience that what I have practically lived through myself, I wonder how we become sidetracked into viewing infatuation as love. But tonight, I don't want to dwell on that.

Tonight I want to site and think about practical Godly love. Love than may orignate as an interest or desire and has to move forward into something more. Love that is a choice, love that is a sacrifice, love that is without fear. Love that means more. How does it work?

I am absolutely convinced that loving someone takes a concious effort. You have to be able to be aware of yourself and of them, and you have to learn to be gracious, patient, and to truly love them as God intented. To follow God is a choice, so therefore, doesn't it just make sense that love should be a choice too. Yes, of course, faith does also come with emotion and being in the Spirit, but sometimes I wonder if we don't spend so much time in the emotion of faith that we forget to be practical about it. To make the same point, we do the same with love.

Those who are long term readers know that I often weigh up what love really means today. We are so wrapped up in thunderbolts and fantasy that we forget they don't last forever. Yes, you may feel that way when you first meet someone, but at some point there has to be something that keeps generating the sparks. Something more substantial. And that's where we have to start making choices.

Maybe I just need to understand practical love.

Nuit Blanche

Last night was a crazy night. The city of Toronto was a buzz of activity, even more than usual. And when the city is like that you can't just sit idle.

So I didn't.

The evening started off with going to see a play called Tiny Dinamite by Abi Morgan with my friends Blake and Galen. It's being put on by a new theatre group called Theatre Smash that some Queen's Alum and others have put together. Very cool. I happen to know the director and producer, and my good friend Kate was the assistant director. It's a really well done show, and it's still playing this week. If you get a chance, go see it. The next stop with B and Galen was a good-bye party for a girl at our church who is moving away, leaving the country. It was a fairly chill night, and there was lots of great food to sample.

Next stop: Nuit Blanche. This was an all night exhibition of contemporary art sponsored by Scotiabank. There were things to see all over the city. I started out with my pals Blake and Jam on Queen St W. Then we started meeting up with Kate, Joan and Isaac. Then it was Anton, Lisa and her brother. Then it was Elaine and Jeremy and...As you can tell, the first part of our adventuring turned out to be more about trying not to lose each other instead of really getting going. So, we decided to split up and meet back on Queen W at the Camera Bar at 3am. Good plan. Jam, Blake and I then hopped in a cab and decided to head over to check out the fun at OCAD, where we met up with Mark and Jam's cousin.

Wow, ok, so OCAD and Grange Park was covered in different activities. A giant game of Twister, games of chess, marbles and jacks. Our first stop was to see the pool of floating penguins. A very "steamy" walk through a locker room/pool area following the story of the gay penguin couple at the San Fransisco zoo. Weird. We didn't really feel there was much to the showing, so we ploughed through, and were dissapointed to see a few measley balloon penguins floating in the pool. Here the disillusionment started.

Inside the OCAD building there were several movies playing on the wall. As we were already at a point of feeling irreverent towards the art, this is where the real fun got going! We paused at this one movie - a movie with people in a building doing weird things. One shot was of someone's mouth approaching an eye, out of nowhere Blake said quite audibly "LICK IT!". Ha!And guess what? The person did! Ahaha. Next we went upstairs to another movie. This one was of a picture on a wall, where the camera kept moving closer and closer. B decided to put up his umbrella and walk across the screen. Oh my gosh! Too funny. A few moments later, Jam who was sitting with me, nudge his umbrella towards me. I had my own, but I got the message. We opened them up and walked in front of the screen also. Hilarious. Blake and Mark were killing themselves behind the scenes, the funniest part being that most people thought it was part of the show!

The hilarity continued in the "Ball room", a room filled with about 10, 000 dodge balls. It was great. We launched balls for a good 45 minutes at anyone and everyone. Such a great stress reliever and it was so fun. Especially because us crew would gang up and then try and intice someone to fight us. So good. We totally scared some people off the floor. After that B left us, and the rest of us crew headed to Camera Bar. About 20 minutes later, after fighting tooth and nail for a cab (we apparently weren't a good enough fare!) we took the street car and got to the bar just before last call. (Thanks Jam, best beer ever!) We met up with Lisa, Kim, Enoch and Anton and chilled a little. Then at almost 5:30 am we decided to head back to OCAD to see if we could get free breakfast. But not without taking another trip to the Ball Room with Colin. So much fun!

After the venture, breakfast was attempted, but it turned out to be more sad than good, and so we all respectively drifted off home, and I hit the pillow at 7am! What a night!

In the Kay-Dub

Earlier this week, I was in KW again for work. It was really great to see my entire team back together again - we all work in three different cities, so even if we talk every day, we rarely get that face to face fun. It was great. We chatted lots, and worked lots. And we also took the time to have a very trash talked filled game of pool. Ha! So fun! I'll never forget Chugosh's face when I landed a fluke fancy shot after missing every other ball!

The venture was also good because I got to stay with Mum and Dad for a few day - Mum gave me a great red/black lamp for my birthday - perfect for the living room. We also had a good friend of the family visiting from England, and I didn't think I was going to get a chance to see her. Very cool.

The only downside? In Waterloo I swear all you do it sit and eat. I ate so much that I can't help but think I'm glad I don't have to live through what we've affectionately "Watermoo Days" that often.

The Birthday Countdown

It's begun.

Today is exactly one month to my 25th birthday.

And now I wait.

For the next move.

It's up to you God.

I found my Molly!

Reunited at last! I can't believe it. I finally got back in touch with my most favourite, cherished and super awesome "camper" and friend Molly. We met at Camp Rim Rock back in the summer of 2002 when I was a counselor in Choctaw. Molly was in my cabin, and we got along super well. She's a fantastic, energetic and athletic gal who's totally into making camp a great experience for everyone.

Although we got along well that first year, it was really the next year when we became really tight. We would hang out all the time, play cards, talk, laugh, write letters, and she became like a kid sister to me. I've really missed her. Really.

Beeing a really bad correspondent, we just sorta lost touch a while ago. I thought she would never forgive me and that I had lost her trust forever. Really. Guess what? I was wrong! We finally got back in contact via MySpace/MSN over the last couple of days, and it's great! I can't believe she's 18 now and going to university in Colorado. (I sooo wanna go visit). Wow.

Mols, Mookie, M-dawg - I'm glad to have you back.

Funny pictures of the day.

Running around in circles

Ever play a "game" when you were a kid where you just started to run in a circle? There was no point to it really, it was mostly about wasting time and energy, or something. I don't know. It was fun. These days I feel a bit like I'm stuck in that kind of circle, except the fun has gone out of it. I'm running around in a circle, doing the motions, trying to expend energy to get out of the circular pattern. Yet every time I think I'm making progress because I'm doing work, I ended up back in the same spot, staring at the same thing, and I'm just tired.

I'm going nowhere.

Happy birthday Enoch and Johanna!

It's your birthdays. You're both awesome. Woo!

I finished painting the living room...

I've even got some furniture too. Woo! Last piece coming tomorrow, then I can finish decorating...

Baptism

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous

This Sunday I am going to be baptized at FT. This is full immersion baptism, something I never thought that I would be doing. Not because I don't believe in baptism, but because I do believe in it. I was baptized as a baby, and confirmed in the Anglican church at 12. I fully believe in what God did for me then, and that it is valid. So why the baptism this week? Truthfully, I'm not quite sure. It's once of those things that just lay upon your heart and you think about it. In fact, I originally started thinking about this in June (at least). Now it's September, and I'm still thinking. And well, the fact is, I am beginning to see that although I may not understand it, God wants me to face the choice of being obedient and to enter into this moment with Him. Pretty cool. It's never a bad thing to stand up and declare your new life in Jesus Christ. And if Jesus Christ IS my life, then I should not fear or turn away from a request to declare that I am following Him.

Long crazy catch up type post

This weekend was insanity. I was lucky enough to get a chance to leave work a little early on Friday so I could get prepared for my lovely sister's visit. I left on a bit of a sad note though - the famous Greg aka GR aka Il Diablo resigned as of Friday. I'm excited for him, that he's moving on to do something he really wants to do, but I was sad to see my friend leave. He's kick ass. And GR, if you're reading - all the best and stay in touch.

Friday's commute home was interesting. Instead of dealing with the bottleneck taking the bus home (and hour and half, gah!) I decided to face the transfers and hit up the following route home: Bloor to Ossington, Ossington bus to Rosemount. Then I waited for sis. While Wends got stuck in traffic, I painted my living room, and I finally finished the red wall. I really like it. Too bad it's still a little streaky in places, but I ran out of paint, and well, I don't wanna get more 1) because it's more expenses and 2) this is a rental house. All the same, I love my wall, I can't wait to finish putting things on there. Yay. Next step is the rest of the room! ha!

Anyway - Wends finally showed up, she got a tour of the house and we stepped out to have sushi at Fujiyama on Baldwin. (Soooo good, if you haven't gone I suggest you do). Then we decided to go for a little walk passed the gloriousness of OCAD (Wendy's first time seeing it up close), through Grange park and down to Queen W. Apparently we picked a good night - there was a celebrity schmooze going on and for about 15 minutes, sis and I decided to let ourselves be a part of the whole "celebrity watcher" mentality as we watched Sarah Polly talk about her TFF movie. Then as we're walking down John who does Wendy spot by EUGENE LEVY. Very cool. I seriously almost missed him, but sis practically smacked me so I didn't miss him. Again, very cool.

Saturday was chock-a-bloc full of errands. We got up relatively early and headed to Starbucks for a morning wake-up coffee for Wends and my regular drink for me. Then we got practical things done - I got some glasses and LPs at the Sally Ann, a new phone to replace my much dropped old one at Telus, shower curtain hooks and other stuff at the Dollerama. We also checked out the Brick for some deals - finally decided to think about a really nice iron and glass TV stand. Sigh. By this time, though, it was nearing late afternoon and still no furniture had been bought. So, what do you do in this situation? Hit up Ikea. You bet. I ended up finding me some good furniture to go with my dining table and chairs. I found a nice chair, leather couch and a few others sundries. (Yes, I do know this means a HUGE Visa bill). Either way, I've got furniture now. Woo!

Sunday was all about brunch, hitting up the Brick again to get the TV stand (it's being delivered next week, I'm excited) and then we went shopping for lots and lots of groceries. Yum. Then it was time for Wends to go. It's too bad she didn't make FT, I would have loved to have her there for Jess, but what can you do? Overall it was a great visit, and I was so thankful to have Wends help me get stuff, and I was glad she got to see the place. It's slowly coming together.

Yay.

And it's a new day

It's full of opportunity, and like a newborn baby it is still mirroring the perfection of youth. It is not yet marred my complaints, stress, or mistakes. The light of dawn sits hopeful on its brow, and vigour of choice lays at its feet. It says, "Come and walk hand in hand with me, for my Father has created me and given me to the world". And I get up from my still waters and take the first step with Today, remembering all the while that if its Father loves she, He must love me too.

These are the words of your life...

1. Up
2. Down
3. Discouraged
4. Frustrated
5. Tired
6. Desolation
7. Searching
8. Anger
9. Sad
10. Cheerless

Little me in a BIG place

Tonight I feel a little small. I had just gotten used to have two roomies around and now I'm here in my new house. I'm alone, I've got no food to speak of. My only comfort is having a movie on in the background. I feel a little bit alone.

I'm not sure if I like it today.

Good thing I can still count on Mum to cheer me up over the phone.

The tryst is over...

Alas, my friends, the time has come and gone to be a subletter this summer. Yes, as of today I am no longer a resident of the area affectionately called the "gaybourhood" or "boystown". I have moved to Corsa Italia where pasta meets rasta. I have moved into my very own place.

I feel excited and intimidated all at the same time. I've got practically no furniture - only having bedroom accessories - and I am in dire need of a couch. Trouble is I've got some very specific ideas of what I want, so it's baby steps to getting there. I've got half of my stuff set up, and the internet came today. Woo! I've bought my paint, and I will gradually get around to painting this place - the only really offensive room is the bathroom, so hopefully that will be on the list of priorities. But overall, I feel good. Just a couple more trips to Ikea should do it! :)

I will keep you all posted, and hopefully take some pics of the new place.

And Ben Harper cried.

Last night, if things were crazy enough with the move - I got a call from my friend Melissa at around 7pm asking me if I wanted to brave the dismal rain to see Ben Harper play at the Molson Ampitheatre at about 8pm. Now, this is (almost) a tough call. On one hand we've got the curse of Ernesto - damn rain! On the other hand we've got a FREE concert to see an amazing performer. Hmm...

In this case Ben won. I got layered up - leggings, jeans, tank top, long sleeve, t-shirt, sweatshirt, vest and rain jacket. I packed some garbage bags and a winter hat for good measure. I even put plastic bags in my shoes to keep my feet more dry. Off I went - and trust me, it was worth it! Ben played for such a long time. Wow! I couldn't believe it!

It was also funny how Melissa and I spent the entire time talking to two random guys from Barrie. They were both kinda young, and fun. One of them was a Newfie, so we bonded in that way. But what was especially weird, in some senses, was that the "sport" of chatting up random people at a concert had no appeal for me. Gone was the thrill linked to flirting or ever-so-slightly leading someone on by not pushing away their advances. Gone. I was much more into the music.

Just as well, seeing as Ben came on for two encores - both almost 35 minutes each - and he just rocked it. He dedicated a tune to us on the lawn, and when he was about to leave the stage he was so in the moment he looked like he was going to cry.

Now that was worth it.

I'm in love with Ryan Gosling

Last night, after a fairly crappy work day, I went to see the movie Half Nelson with Robby J, Karl and Soojeen. I mostly went because K and RJ are my boys, and I love them dearly - how could I resist some quality time with them. Also, the movie stars Ryan Gosling, whom I have loved since his days on the Mickey Mouse Club, and features music by Broken Social Scene. Can this be a bad movie?

I'm honestly not going to give a review of it here - it's something I suggest you all go out and see. I know I shall be watching it again because I feel I didn't catch half of it's subtext. It's really well done, and it's just totally worth watching. Ryan Gosling is very talented. Wow. He always picks very good, rather independent seeming movies, and he does really, really well. This is another great example. Go see it.

On another totally superficial note - Ryan is beautiful in this movie. Really. I was totally digging him. He wears vintage clothes in a somewhat badass kinda way, but they look GOOD. He's got these sunglasses and scruffy beard - mmm... He's definately my "type" in this movie. Wow. And well, ladies, that alone makes the movie worth it.

Neglecto-blog

sometimes I don't know what to write...

Awake is the New Sleep

Not only is that a great album, but this seems to be the theme of my weekend. All actions packed, little sleep. Ugh. But overall, it was fun!

Friday was great - I got a chance to catch up with my bro Ryan who just got back from Europe (finally). That was great - we had a long talk, then we went out for pie at nearly 11 o'clock at night. Saturday was packed with breakfast with Cyril and Enoch about church stuff, and Sat night was "Scott and Mike IV" - the last a of a long line of great parties with some Queen's friends. Highlights included the tubs of (cold) water in their dining area meant to be wading pools. Ha!
Over all a good night - nothing too drunk and stupid for anyone, which probably means we're growing up. ;)

Sunday was all about Freedomize - set up, church, then chillin' with the boys. I even got to spend time with the famous Robby J and the Unsung Hero. Definately brag worthy.

The only criticism? Not enough sleep. I went to bed at 4 am on Friday, 3 am on Saturday and 1:30 am on Sunday. Awake just might be my new state of being.

A Three Second Affair

An introduction. A friend of a friend. A casual moment.

Then a shift, a little something more:

A look, a glance, a held gaze.
Unspoken intention.

The air was thick.

A spark.
A smile.



*This post is dedicated to my soul friend, DC, who has also recently experience this.

An inspiration

The clown has great importance… as part of the search for what is laughable
and ridiculous in man. We should put the emphasis on the rediscovery of our own
individual clown, the one that has grown-up within us and which society does not
allow us to express
- Jacques Lecoq

A little goes a long way

This morning I stopped by Starbucks (again) to get a caramel macchiato on my way to the subway. I didn't have any cash, so I was about to pay with debit. Alas the debit machine was down, and just as I was about to forfeit the coffee for the day, the barrista said "No, it's on us today!" What a treat!

And that is what I call good customer service.

Wouldn't it be funny if...

We all talked like the people in classic movies. You know what I'm talking about, the inflection in the voice, the matter of fact tone...the note of desperation in the voices of all the women. Can you imagine what it would be like if we really talked like that everyday? Hehehe.

Here are some examples of what I mean (and please bear with me if they don't work right away):

Andy Warhol

In my search for me time this weekend, I decided to do something I haven't done in about 2 years - I took myself to the Art Gallery of Ontario. I decided that I should stop talking about how great it would be to see the Andy Warhol exhibit, and so, I said to myself "Self, let's go!" And I went.

The exhibit itself is good. I've had a fascination with Andy Warhol's work for a little while now, and I've briefly starting reading a biography on him. He was an interesting man, and an even more interesting artist. It was a treat to see a representative collection of Andy's works - works presented as they were intended to be presented, instead of being a reproduction on a t-shirt or some other type of pop culture kitsch. Although those pieces still are effectively elements of the Andy Warhol experience, there is something to be said for seeing the real thing.

If you want to know all about Andy Warhol, just look at the surface of my paintings and films and me, and there I am. There's nothing behind it.
- Andy Warhol

I was pleasantly surprised by the video art pieces that were on display. I had no idea that Andy was into this kind of art, and this was my first experience seeing any of it. His video works are in and of themselves striking because they are almost key in beginning to understand Andy's fascination with voyerism. His "screen tests" were shots of faces of people asked to stand in front of camera for 2 -3 minutes without blinking. You can almost see the point for a lot of people where the narcissitic element of being video taped ends and the realm of voyerism, or being watched helplessly begins.

I'm afraid if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all its meaning.
- Andy Warhol


I was particularly interesting in the piece entitled "Blow Job", which is actually a video of a man's face taken as he is receiving fellatio. What's most engaging is the dissociative sense that one gets from being the voyeur as in one is watching what should be a seemingly private moment, drinking it in for the sake of watching. Yet, the subject has allowed himself to be on the screen to view. Furthermore, the subject seems to only be half in the moment, as you can tell that he always conscious of the camera that is sharing the experience with him - as if he is being a voyeur of us the audience as we stare at him. This awareness of the "real but not quite real" was very typical of Andy. There was very little under the surface, because you were staring at the surface subject and the dissociative voyerism didn't allow you to engage further. It is deeply superficial.

I am a deeply superficial person.
- Andy Warhol

I was also very excited to begin to see many of Andy's disaster series. I have to confess, like most, I am best acquainted with Andy's works based on pop icons. I didn't know about the paintings that related to death and destruction (although there are even elements of this in his pop work too). There was something bouffonesque about it - you wanted to look at it, you wanted to think of it as art, yet it didn't feel quite right in the pit of your stomach. How could gore be art? Can we observe death like so and feel good about it? What's even funnier, is that I found myself most engaged by the piece "White 1947", which consists of a picture of a woman which is quite picturesque. Little would make you initially see it's gruesome nature. Although it is very beautiful, it is actually a picture from a newspaper or Life magazine of a woman who committed suicide by jumping off the Empire State building and landed on top of a diplomatic limo. She's so beautiful in a classical way - yet we are staring a little else but the beauty of death.

Death means a lot of money, honey. Death can really make you look like a star.
- Andy Warhol

What for me was the final engaging aspect was going into the gift shop after the show and finding myself surrounded by Andy Warhol art collectibles similar to what you find here. Somehow, it was just ironic. It was here I found myself smiling thinking "Here is the true Andy Warhol experience". There were plastic Marilyn lips, Jackie paperweights, and reproductions of the whole Andy experience. It was a commercialisation of Andy's voyerism. It was his 15 minutes of fame wrapped in plastic. And perhaps, if you don't know why I think this ironic, one should just think about Andy's work a little and see if you come to the same conclusion.

I love Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. They're beautiful. Everybody's plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic.
- Andy Warhol

An Obituary

I hate forwards, like most people, but this was sent to me via email and I thought it was good enough to post.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year- old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or a Band Aid to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Good morning, good morning!

I feel good this morning. I'm still a little tired, seeing as I am in desperate need to kick my MSN/internet habits late at night (every now and then I give in), but all the same I feel more positive. Maybe it's because I'm deliberately trying to find some space away from the heavy drama that has clouded my personal life as of late. Maybe it's because prayer is paying off (YAY GOD!). Either way, I feel good today.

I'm just hoping taking some space will be good. I really, really, really love my friends, but things have been taxing recently. I've tried so hard to support and encourage them. I've listened, I've done what I can. But I'm teetering on breaking point in some areas, and quite frankly, I've been very hurt in others. I'm treading along resentment and I don't like it. So, I'm being selfish. I'm getting out for a bit. I doesn't mean I've stopped loving you all, I just need a little self-preservation time. I need my Shepherd to lay me down by still waters and to refresh my soul. That way, I can learn to love them better by loving me a little.

A Freekout Tree-Point-Oh success!

Wow! What a weekend - it was lovely, perfectly lovely. Really. I had such a great time. There were enough cars and tents for everyone - in fact we even had extra space. Despite the fact we didn't get the same sites as last year, we had tons of room, and we had an even better "beach" - instead of icky reeds, we just had rocks that led right into the water. Sooo nice. I can't even begin to describe how great it was to slip into the lake for my first swim on Friday afternoon. It was perfect. The food was great, the campfires were awesome. Sigh. I wanna go back. Guess I just need to step up as "Leader in training".

Sigh.

I've gotta say - it really was a great weekend. We all got there safely on Friday (even if some arrived at 3:30 am!) Saturday was great, starting off after an early morning (cold) swim, it was pancake for breakfast and then off to canoe. After a minor set back, team BFF (Robby J, B and me) came up from behind the pack and guided everyone to a special picnic spot. It was this great flat rock that was perfect for sunning on, and perfect to swim from. After canoeing, the rest of day was spent resting, relaxing, reflecting, and having some God time. Dinner followed by worship songs around the fire, star gazing and chatting with B made the evening really great. I even got to sleep at a decent hour!

Sunday was clean up time, but we managed to fit in a wonderful early morning swim - too bad I didn't feel as well as I wanted to, so I had to cut things short, but all the same. It was a calm lake at sunrise. Wow. After than we ate, cleared up, and hit the showers. Once we were all packed up, the adventure home began. We, of course, stopped in Cloyne for some ice cream, and we took pictures on the "big giant chair", which I hope to keep as a tradition. That was fun. The rest of the ride wasn't much of an adventure, but it was nice. I finished Anne's House of Dreams (Book 5 of the Anne series) and I slept.

We ran a little late for church, but that's ok. The service was good, David preached on Psalm 136, and Leah led worship. Luke took some time to pray for me, which was really nice. I've been needing some prayer lately. Then after that, we dropped on the camping stuff and headed to the Duke of Argyle to celebrate Sue's birthday. It was great! The waiter, Jerry, even offered free shots and got Sue a free dessert. Amazing!

I can't wait until next year!

Just to note

Yes, readers, I'm cheating a little...I've backdated some of my posts because they were half done and jumbled up. Looks better spread out on different days, and it's more real to what I was thinking.

Word.

Freek-ing out.

This has been a long week. I've been working super hard to get all the Freekout business done, and well, it's almost there. It's just tough because there have been a few last minute drop outs, and although I understand, it does tend to irk you. Oh well, it will get done, and the trip will be worth it.

The saving grace is that Kate is home now, and I've got someone to help with a little of my virtual insanity at home. Prayer time is good time. Thanks, love.

Rachel's cottage: The sequel

Another long weekend in the summer has come and gone, but it was lovely. Once again, a few of us adventurous FT folk went up to Rachel's cottage in the Muskokas. So nice. This time was much more relaxing - only five us went: Rob Awesome, David, Karl, Rachel and I - which gave us the much needed space to let our hair down.

We actually left for out destination on Saturday morning seeing as there were people staying at the cottage until noon of that day. It was a good trip up - everyone got a preview of the Freekout Tree Point Oh CD, which was fun (despite the disagreements between Karl and I when it comes to classic rock being good music). We talked and joked, and eventually made it to the cottage. We unpacked the car and headed into Mactier for groceries, which is always fun with 5 people. After that it was swimming, reading and watching movies. Really. Not much else other than that. Well, maybe the only variation was the addition of my good friend Jon for dinner on Sunday, but other than that, it was just lovely monotony.

Some highlights were bonding with the little girls who lived in the two cottages over from us. Sunday afternoon while swimming, we finally talked to our neighbours. The girl Jamie, dubbed "Little J" by me, and the other girl Jess and Emily were so fun. I talked with them, played in the water - they even gave me a bracelet. It made me laugh and think of Rim Rock and all the good times I had being a camp counsellor. Another highlight was a late night swim in the moonlight with Rachel, and finding a new spot to swim to across the lake.

All in all, a great weekend, thanks Rachel!

Tuesdays at the Idiot

There is a little tradition that goes on on Tuesdays with FT folk - those of us on one end of the city will meet for drinks at the Village Idiot Pub. It's lots of fun. This past week was my first time there for a Tuesday. Here's to more evenings like that.

All life's theme songs should come from musicals

Excerpts from

"You Can Always Count On Me"
in City of Angels
book by Larry Gelbart, music by Cy Coleman, lyrics by David Zippel

I'm one of a long line of good girls
Who choose the wrong guy to be sweet on
The girl with a face that says welcome
That men can wipe their feet on
I'm there when he calls me
The trusted girl Friday alright
But what good does it do me
Alone on a Saturday night

If you need a gal
To go without sal'ry and work too hard
You can always count on me
The kind of a pal
Who'd sneak you a file past the prison guard
Loyal to the "nth" degree
The boss is quite the ladies man
And that's my biggest gripe
Till I showed up he's never hired a girl cause she could type
I'm no femme fatal
But faithful and true as a saint Bernard
Barkin' up the wrong damn tree
You can always count on me

I go for the riff raff
Who's treating me so so
When I can play the second fiddle
I'm a virtuoso
I should be playing for a wedding band
But there're no wedding rings attached
Though you can bet there're strings attached

A matter of fact, If you want an ill-fated love affair
You can always count on me

Though my kind of dame
No doubt will die out like the dinosaurs
You can always count on me
I'm solely to blame
My head gives advice that my heart ignores
I'm my only enemy
I choose the kind who cannot introduce the girl he's with
There're lots of smirking motel clerks who call me, "Mrs. Smith"
But I've made a name
With hotel detectives who break down doors
Guess who they expect to see
You can always count on
Bet a large amount on
You can always count on me

Second best

Just a moment ago I stumbled across the following quote while looking for a quote to start my little topic for today. Although it is only partially relevant, I shall leave it here. It almost makes more sense than the quote I was originally looking for.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~ Neil Gaiman

Sigh. I hear ya Neil...though I can't hate love, mostly because I just don't want to. We're not designed that way. I can be resentful of love, sure. But that's not the same as hating it.

I actually started off looking for a quote about the past because I've been thinking a bit about love, and about the past, and how that shapes us. I did find one that I like:

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”

~ Jan Glidewell

Again, so true. In my endless climb towards becoming a wife, I think about that. What kind of things am I holding onto so tightly from the past that they are dragging behind me like the weight of a thousand years. Today I thought of something. It's a silly little notion that was (again) perpetuated by foolishness in high school, compounded by lack of self-love, and solidified by a jaded heart. The notion is the idea of being second best.

Yep, second best, number two, second fiddle, second banana...not first. More often that not, I have felt like a second when it comes to love. Why? Like I said, it all started in high school. I remember having a crush on a boy, we would often talk and we got along well. I remember a school dance where he asked me to be his partner for one song. I was so excited - this is a HUGE thing to a teenage girl. I remember being very excited. Then my views were shattered - he had asked me to dance because he wanted to ask me about my good friend. "Is ____ single? I really like her!" Ha! As if that were the end of it, he ended up dating that girl. Then after that, he was friends with me again. One day he called me up; I was excited - was this a possibility? Nope. He wanted to know all about my best friend this time. Ugh. That was the start. I was the lamp. (See the Nov 8th post here to get what I mean).

This stupid situation coupled with years of hearing "You'd be a great girlfriend, but I don't want to date you" and a few "kinda-sorta-dating-but-not-really" moments managed to tear a strip off of me. Somehow I let myself believe that that's all I was worth. Maybe I really am nothing special. Maybe I'm just meant to play the part of lamp/friend/subordinate. Maybe.

God, I sure hope not. But as Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman, "Sometimes the bad stuff is easier to believe". It's sad but true. And I believed it.

Luckily, I've managed to get out of the mindset a bit more when it comes love. I'm a child of God. God loves me. That MORE HUGE than any boy. I am worthy of love, and I deserve to be treated well. But it is the latter that seems to not want to sit quite right in my head just yet. Somewhere in my subconcious I have let myself care about the wrong people in the wrong ways. In the end, instead of feeling liberated in love, I feel burdened, choked up and full of glass splinters. And it sucks. Because it is this poison that stops me from finding the right kind of love and I believe I've got a lot of it to give.

Maybe instead of playing second fiddle I need to work hard enough on my solo work so I can be featured on the front lines.

Maybe.