On finding a husband...

The picture below is from Ben Eden (www.beneden.com).

You can also click on the picture to see his website.

Like most ladies my age, yes, I occasionally think about
marriage. I've never really been a sap about it (not that it's wrong to be romantic) but I do think about it. I guess things were brought about this week a little bit because now a second one of my best friends is heading down the aisle - the one who said she would never get married! (Yeah, right Al! We knew better!) So, I was surfing the internet for some solid advice on marriage - ok, truthfully, I was bored and wanted to see what would come up if I typed "on finding a husband" in Google, but that's just details...Ironically, the first site that came up was all about finding a husband in Christian context! ha! Nonetheless, there was some very solid advice some of which I will share with you.

Honesty and intentionality. It all comes down to this, people. So many of us are afraid to talk about the marriage factor because it's borderline taboo. I mean, who would want to admit that deep down they are longing to share themselves with another person for the rest of their life? God knows I'm petrified of this - admitting that I want it at least. No one wants to appear needy or lonely or whatever. We all want to appear strong, and all too often we fall into the trap of feeling like we're weak because we don't want to live our lives alone forever. Really, what's the big deal? There really isn't anything wrong with talking about marriage - it should be something we can converse about like politics or religion. We don't often shy away from having an opinion in these matters, so why should marriage be any different?

The other half of the equation is our need to be honest with ourselves. It's ok to want someone else around, it's ok to have needs, it's ok to have feelings and it's ok to be vulnerable. I can only speak for myself, and I know for a long time I have been, and still am in some ways, absolutely terrified of the commitment of marriage. I've pushed it aside saying I didn't want it for so long because the truth is that I just don't know how to fully open up to someone else. I judge myself far more than anyone else ever could, why would I let someone else in to have the potential to hurt me or judge me. Truth - real love shouldn't be about that. My fears prevent me from loving properly and allowing myself to be loved. Once I admitted to myself that I had a problem there, things began to change. I see I have the capacity to feel and give love - and it doesn't make me weak, it makes me stronger because I am braver now, and I see the risks are worth the taking.

Now where does the intentionality fall into play? It comes down to not being afraid to play the game of love for the sake of marriage. I'm constantly surprised by my Christian friends who really are in the dating scene to find a husband or wife. It's not easy to do, but really, it nice to cut the crap and just be direct - "No, I don't want your pretzels!" (inside joke, sorry). Personally, I find this concept fascinating and intimidating all at the same time - afterall, it's a choice, and it causes you to close many doors, but leaves you with one giant one open. But intentionality is more than just being ready to take a shot at finding "the one", it's about forming an opinion, creating standards and boundaries for interpersonal relationships, and most importantly, it's about BELIEVING MARRIAGE IS POSSIBLE and to be ready to do something about it!

We're all too often drifters when it comes to committed relationships - we're willing to settle for the comfortable, we're willing to stand by and wait for someone to come to us... Well, you know what, sometimes it pays to be a little proactive. This doesn't mean running about trying to land yourself whomever falls into your path first, it just means you have to focus on the prize realistically and be ready to move forward if and when the time comes to show someone you think they are worth the effort. It also means guarding your own heart so that you aren't throwing away your affections carelessly and spreading yourself too thin. (Heaven knows, as a HUGE flirt, I know how this can get messy...)

So, here comes the solid advice I found - what not to do in relationships...

1. Resist the counterfeits: -
This term can refer to many things, but it specifically is meant to address the tendancy that most of us singles have to want to fill in the void with bad habits. A first example is the "buddy". You know, the person that you refer to as just a friend who you don't really treat as just a friend...the someone who you don't dare to ask them about their intentions ...(gulp, guilty conscience here). A second may be pre-marital sex - you connect with someone physically and you then wonder why they aren't going towards marriage. A third may be spending all your time time in a single group, even after you've decided that there is not potential marriage candidate in the bunch.

Sure, these habits might cure loneliness short term, but in the end, they're just a temporary fix. What's worse, it that these habits may be causing you to be alone. (Gulp again!) The best cure is to start respecting youself by setting up high standards for your relationships. By creating boundaries, you're not only protecting your own heart, but those you interact with. Plus you can resist the temptation to spend your best self on counterfeits. Take it a step further, treat others the way you want to be treated. By approaching the opposite sex in a principled, respectful and intentional way, you eliminate the guess work and by treating others with kindness and honesty and by being direct you with show off just how great of a marriage candidate you are!

2. Retain sexual power: -
Ever heard the expression "Who's going to want to buy the ice-cream truck when you're giving out the popsicles for free?" Take it to heart. If you're playing into the idea that sexual acts will enhance your relationship, really, it's not true. You lose your sexual power and your ability to find the right person. Physical intimacy jump starts an emotional connection to someone too quickly, and though it can be great at the time, once the spark fades away, it seems that you've created a relationship on thin air. (Trust me on this - I have kissed on the first date. Tsk. Tsk). Sex will become an idol and will cloud your judgement causing you to make bad decisions.

Yes, unmet sexual longing is a rather powerful motivator - heaven knows it's caused quite a few quick engagements in the past. For those who have once had the desires met, it may be even harder to go without, but you just have to take encouragement from remembering that sex has been designed to sweeten the commitment of marriage and it should flow from a Godly relationship. Sometimes it pays to have your dessert last - and luckily, God is gracious enough to give all of us a chance at getting it right.

3. Reassess your options: -
Sometimes we're too quick to put someone into the category of "just friends" because we're not attracted to them. Well, what's the harm in taking a moment to change your thinking - instead of basing everything on physical chemistry, look at your friends and think "Which one of these men would be a Godly husband, strong partner and good father?" You never know about those diamonds in the rough...Of course, this doesn't mean you have to "settle" too quickly, it just means that you can take a moment to see where God may be able to make love grow - a little prayer goes a long way. Plus, it helps you gain a non-objectifying sort of perspective - rather than boys being pieces of meat, they become pieces of men...(ugh, that was AWFUL).

4. Check your expectations: -
What are you looking for in a partner? Do you find yourself casually dating with one foot out the door? I sooo know I'm guilty of this. All to often we want to focus on finding a "soul mate", someone who knows us down to our very core and who loves us fully. The trouble is, this might be directly setting yourself up for failure. We can't expect that the people who love us will never ask us to change, especially when it comes to the turbulence of marriage. Relationships between humans will never be perfect, because we're not perfect creatures. So, don't kid yourself, if something gets tough, suck it up, and it something is great, then rejoice in it. Marriage is about commitment - till death do you part - but it you go into expecting highs and lows, a good marriage will make the lows all the easier to swallow.

5. Ask the people you know for help:-
This is probably one of the easiest and hardest things to do. Right now, the world's view on marriage is certainly not the hopeful one that it once was. Once it was a primary purpose in life, now it's optional. This means that there is less support out there culturally for marriage. So why not ask your friends for help? This can be two-fold. First, I would hope that we all have friends that love us enough to help us see where we have the need to improve on ourselves to become a more whole person, someone more ready for marriage. Talk to friends, ask them to help you with your brokeness, ask them to help you get rid of the emotional baggage from years of unsuccessful relationships. You'll be surprised at how much they'll want to help you out! I know my friends are really great that way...

Secondly, friends are a connection to a wealth of new people. If you only spend time with peers of the same age, who are all going through the same sort of period of life as you are, it's not surprising that nothing new and exciting is being brought into your life. Go out, meet your friends and their friends. You never know, right? Plus, if your friends are believers in marriage, their other friends may be too, in fact, they may be looking for the same things you are. Maybe this means you'll stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right, maybe it just means you'll make a new friend, either way it doesn't hurt to make new allies!

Just to note, the above writing is my rendition of the advice from Candice Z. Watters (you can check out the article here). I may not agree with everything, and I may be taking a few liberties with what Candice has written, but overall, this little rant reflects my opinions too. I'm not writing this to convince you of anything either. It's just think it's food for thought. You can't force marriage to come along, and there really isn't a formula for making two people fall madly in love and commit their lives to one another. Thinking about this stuff can put you in the direction towards marriage rather than down a somewhat-into-it-but-not-fully-committed-to-the-game kinda path. Every now and then you've got to purposefully change direction and to be made aware of where to go next - and the rest is up to Him.