According to Mirriam-Webster:
Parade: a pompous show
Charade: an empty or deceptive act or pretense
Facade: a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect
You may be wondering why I'm thinking about these definitions. It comes about because of a little personal growth that's being nudged along in my life that's lead me to think about the way I portray myself to the outside world on a daily basis.
Lately, based on some conversations I've had with friends, I have been pondering my "selves". I say "selves" because the truth is, yes, I do have different facets of personality that come out at different times, and that are, in fact, so contrasting at times that I really can seem like I am more than one person.
I first began to notice my distinct selves within the last year, when I began to ponder how I was viewed when I was at school. I would have two different types of interactions for the most part. The first was with my Christian friends, the group of people that seemed to have it all together, the ones that were just right in their walk with God. And I wanted to be one of them, really, I wanted to be 110% Godly, and I wanted to seems like I was a good Christian girl, and I wanted...well, I wanted it too much to really feel it was possible. I found myself trying to pretend that I was so much more pious than I was really feeling so that I wouldn't feel like I was so much on the outs when it came to salvation. I became, in some ways, a fake Christian, one who pretends to be in tact...at least to the outside world.
My second personality that came about, and that can still come about, is what I like to call my wild streak. The part of me that just wants to rebel against everyone's view of me as a good little girl. It's the part of me that wants to be a bad ass. It's the part of me that will make inappropriate jokes, and flirt, and do things just for the sake of proving to others that I will do them. The wild steak often takes a hold when I'm with certain groups of people who are well, more relaxed in morality than some of my other friends, and it often gets me into sticky situations. Often after it takes a hold I've come out thinking that what just happened wasn't really me. The daring part was, yes, but the actions were just...off...
Over the past year, I've really tried to tie these two elements of myself together in such a way that I'm real. That means cutting away the crap, the fakeness, the parades, charades and facades that I want to hide behind. I try to consider my actions in a way that is Truthful. Luckily I've made some great friends this year who are really wanting to see me be the true person that I really am. I feel I'm doing better. I don't feel like I have a dual personality as much, although there are moments when both the pious and the wild seem to be in charge. I'm beginning to see how important it is to be consistent.
When you really think about it, it's just astounding how much we hide from the world. Whether it's by something superficial like makeup (yes, Karl, "the mask") and clothes or whether is in defensive mechanisms that have been built up because of many years of emotional baggage, the older we get, the more we want to conceal ourselves. Or rather, the better we get at our abilities to hide hurts deep down inside. In some senses, we teach ourselves to be less transparent, to keep the "realness" behind wall. But often this backfires, simply because the deeper we place ourselves in the middle of unreality the more transparent the falsness becomes.
Is there really any value in hiding?
I understand that there is a difference here in hiding versus guarding your heart. So just to be clear, I'm not talking about circumstances where it is necessary to protect your heart a little from evilness and hurtfulness desgined to cut you to the core, I'm talking about hard formed walls and masks that we wear so that to the outer world we seem whole, perfect and flawless. That's what hiding is. It's taking all of yourself and shoving into a neatly articulated and well groomed package. Or as I'm guitly of doing, placing yourself into easily adaptable and interchangeable facades that you can slip between depending on the moment. Facades that become second nature, facades that show just enough of who you are in a specific time and place, without showing what you think about in the truest parts of you, your inner-most self.
It's funny how these walls ended up hurting you rather than protecting you.
This week, as I've been writing this post in bits and pieces, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of troubles I've landed myself in by not being able to open myself up fully in a natural way. Wow, it's tough to think about. Really. But at the same time it's good to think about.
It's made me realize just how I've hurt myself more than I ever intended because I've have wanted to protect my deep self from being exposed to the world. I think about the way in which I've never really let someone love me because I couldn't share all of me. You never want to loose your whole self, that's just not safe, right? I think about the ways in which I played into certain roles in the attempts to make myself feel powerful, and in the end I just sold myself short. I exerted a part of me that was not whole, a self that was fake, and still that part was rejected. And that hurt way more because not only was I left feeling cheated, used and cheap, I also had to deal with my own anger towards myself for not being a person that I really wanted to be.
And it stings. Oh, how it stings.
My friend pointed out to me this week, that trying to walk around pretending to be perfect isn't natural. It's really not. Each of us has flaws, each of us has biases, and each one of us has emotional baggage. The best we can do is acknowledge this, keep on walking through life,and stepping up again after we stumble because of any of the above mentioned things. Really, what else can we do? If we build up a wall, a moat, or even a mountain of booby-traps around us, the more and more we're just going to find that we're being slowed down and separated from the life we want to live. All our strength will be placed into the upkeep of a peeling-off label instead of letting the whole and true product be maximized by love.
So, here's to keeping it real.
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4 comments:
Felicity,
Well put. You can write, by the way.
I especially like that closing remark about the peeling label. A good visual of how ridiculous it is when we try to hide behind the veneer of strength (as David put it last night).
On the multiplicity of your "selves," I think we all struggle with the way we are in different situations. One might argue (I am not particularly doing so) that all the personalities we put on may all be parts of our true selves coming out at the wrong time—or parts that we need to regulate more carefully. We are complex people, and we react in different situations for so many different reasons, past and present.
But I agree that consistency is important. Consistency in continued honesty about yourself to yourself and to others. My personal struggle is to be consistent in being honest about my intentions to myself and to others. Sometimes my intentions are so selfish, and if I call them for what they truly are, I will be able to be my true self more…
Here's to keeping it real (*glass chinks*)
T
T,
Thank love, I appreciate your compliments and your words.
Fel - you are some writer! I admire your honesty.
For me, surrender is a challenge. Particularly, putting off the ‘old self’ is difficult. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Eph 4:22-24)
I find that often times my flesh is weak in declaring, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” (Gal. 2:20)
In trying to live the born again life (John 3:7), I have struggled to separate that which is beneficial from that which is strictly permissible (1 Cor. 6:12). Inevitably, edification can not be achieved without discernment.
Ultimately, I understand the urgency of Christ’s call to make disciples. Following Paul’s example, “…become all things to all men so that by all possible means [we] might save some…” (1 Cor. 9:22) is a necessary part of that call. As you highlighted, consistency is worth something. From here, one may find innumerable expressions of God’s love. As the one message is translated, it is never transformed.
As an enlightened Chemist, perhaps you will agree with me that the composition of a substance is unaltered if a change of state is experienced. Whether the temperature of your audience or the conditions of the culture requires God’s message as solid, liquid or gas – the message itself is unchanged. This comparison is often helpful in understanding the dynamic of the Trinity.
I realize that I may have confused the issue. You seek to shed light on a multitude of ‘selves’ within one larger you. Perhaps within this framework, the versatility exists to be all things to all people. Perhaps putting off our ‘old self’ is the act of shedding the product of a multitude of ‘old self’ components. I realize that this argument might be complex and abstract without merit.
With the speculation above, I seek not to undermine the freedom found only in Christ - an authentic and redemptive gift available without exclusion to those who believe. Within the new covenant, we are the Potter’s continued work in progress. In the end, whether self or selves, God’s desire is to mold us into His very likeness. Only with the ‘under construction’ sign on our door can we experience freedom – and therefore unveil our true identify. Not only is this identity found in Christ, but He himself removed the veil.
“Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (2 Cor. 3:12-19)
Hi joe,
Clearly you know me from somewhere, and I'm gradually finding it more and more disconcerting that you are not willing to admit who you are. And although I am flattered in some way about you asking me to come dancing, more so I am a little uncomfortable with this. As far as I'm concerned I don't know you, and I am not about to go dancing with a stranger who posts on my blog. So, please, stop messaging me about this. Thank you.
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