The process

Last night Marty and I spent the evening with our marriage mentoring couple from the Meeting House.  It was a fun evening - they're very nice and fed us very well.  After dinner we sat down to talk about the first few months of marriage - and I've gotta say, this is definitely valuable.  Adjusting to being married is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.  You've got to learn to live with a new roomie - and there are WAY more emotional stakes.  That aside, when you've got other outside stressers (like school) it makes it even harder.  So, Marty and I are both really enjoying having a couple that's been married for a while present us with some good tips and opportunities to talk things out. 

One of the really interesting things we discussed last night was a spin-off idea of one of Bruxy's sermons.  It was the contrast of efficiency and relationship.  Essentially, Bruxy brought up the idea that it's easy to question why God isn't efficient - He's all powerful, so why doesn't He fix everything?  That would be efficient indeed, and the end product would be fantastic, but it wouldn't bring about what's really on God's heart - a relationship with us.  So, God often is willing to "sacrifice" efficiency for relationships.  It's very interesting topic to ponder about and it really made my think about it. 

When I was doing a lot of theatre theory, especially postmodern theory, I often discussed the idea of the process being the art.  Sometimes the end product, the play or piece, isn't the most interesting part.  The process of how the piece was conceived, collaborated on and refined tells a truer tale.  That's the process.  I really truly believe that for me the process is what's important.  Last night, I got to thinking about how this idea of process can be translated into interpersonal relationships, and also with my relationship with God. 

It's easy to get discouraged when the end product that you've been working towards doesn't come out just right.  Perhaps by focusing on how far you've come from point A to point B is what's needs to be taken into consideration.  Those are the actions that are deliberate and most often done in communion.  If I know I'm good at a task and that I can do it efficiently doesn't mean I have to do it all the time if it's at the expense of not involving others.  A guitarist may be totally able to carry on a tune, but it shouldn't come at the expense of the drummer wanting to keep up with him.   

I'm really going to chew on this one for a while - I think it will really help me understand why it is I have to continue to pursue my faith in Christ.  It may be rough and hard at times, but I still keep plugging on.  Although God could make all the answers and pathways clear, He doesn't because this allows me to find Him, to ask Him for help and to move forward in communion with Him.  I'm pursuing the loving, righteous relationship He's always had in mind for us. 

Very cool. 

Two minus one

M left for Romania on Friday. I'm really excited for him - he's getting a chance to do some good in the world, but I've gotta admit, it's strange going about the day to day without him. I now understand what he was talking about when I went to Germany sans him. It's like you get a glimpse of what life was like before having that other person around - and well, I too, don't like it. Not at all.

In fact, it's got me pondering again about where I was this time last year. In the midst of cracking into little pieces. I was starting to deal with painful issues that were bubbling to the surface and I was wanting so badly to not hurt anymore. I also wanted so badly to have what I have now with M. But a skewed perception of it, really. I wanted so badly to have a life that was exciting and lovely, and I wanted to have someone to share it with. But I didn't see that my way of pursuing it was all wrong. I was running after the type of affection that I thought would be true love, love that I saw my other friends find. And I began to dispear and think that it was never possible for me. Ever.

Imagine now what it's like to have love, true love, land in your lap. Truly amazing. I didn't excpect it. In fact, I downright pushed it away. But God's got a funny way of turning things around. And I truly hold Him accountable. But I won't go into all the gushy details. All I know is that I feel like something is missing.

M, come home soon! I love you!

Now the Green Blade Rises

Now the green blade rises
from the buried gain,
wheat that in dark earth
many days has lain;
love lives again,
that with the dead has been:
Love is come again like wheat that springs up green.

In the grave they laid him,
Love whom hate had slain,
thinking that never
he would wake again,
laid in the earth
like grain that sleeps unseen:
Love is come again like wheat that springs up green.

Forth he came in quiet,
like the risen garin,
he that for three days
in the grave had lain,
quick from the dead
the risen Christ is seen:
Love is come again like wheat that springs up green.

When our hearts are wintry,
grieving, or in pain,
Christ's touch can call us
back to life again,
fields of our hearts
that dead and bare have been:
Love is come again like wheat that springs up green.

Growing pains

It's days like today that I really wish I was done growing up. Realistically, that's hard to say because we're never can fully say we've finished growing. Intellectually, physically and even spiritually we should always be searching for something bigger and better. To move up, to move on, or to simply move. Heaven knows I don't want to settle or become to comfortable in life so that I can't see the next step...but sometimes it's just so damn hard.

I'm really feeling that these days. I'm in the middle of a super intense spiritual and faithful journey. One that involves me searching deep within myself to find God in all the cracks, scars and deep set wounds of my heart. This journey started over a year ago when God told me He was gonna move in my life. I remember that day so clearly. I was walking down the street from then Rachel's house (now my house) and I was thinking - about a book I'd read, about God and about life. I was thinking how great it would be to commit my life fully into the path of Jesus, and what that would mean. And suddenly I could feel God saying - "Yes, do it! I am with you and I will change your life. Just commit to me and I will change so much." And I said "ok!"

That was the first time I didn't feel scared of the final product. That product being a Godly woman. The woman I am in Christ. I am nothing if I am not that. And I was not born to be nothing.

Now I sit a year into this journey, and more and more I feel like my insides are being ripped apart. I've been through so many ups and downs. I've had laughter, I've had pain, and God's made me come out alright. He healed some surface wounds. Now He is saying that is delving deeper. Into the dark, hardened elements of my heart. The very core of my being that is scared and walled in. And He is asking me to let in the Light. And I'm scared.

Not because I don't want to be healed, but because it hurts like hell and I don't know how to show my weakness. If I do, I just won't be able to stand up. I'm afraid that God won't love me, that my friends won't love me...that I won't love me. Or simply that I will fail to change. And that's a tough challenge to face. Especially when it means doing things you don't necessarily want to do. That's the "fun" part - realizing that growing up involves the violence of choice - as in choosing something because you have to obey, because God is asking you too.

And I'm really struggling right now. I know I have to focus myself on the cross. I have to sit and beg for the right to be there, but at the same time I have to let the Light come in. I have to let God work. I have to let Him make me move. I have to lay down by still waters so He can restore my soul. And it's about discipline. And babysteps. And taking the sweet with the sour.

I just pray that I can remember that. Mostly because I just feel like screaming "Stop this pain, you bastard!" Why make me feel if you're just going to hurt me. But it's true, growing up has it pains. And His rod and staff with comfort me. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Amen to that.

Something to think about

Oh God, where are you now?
by Sufjan Stevens

oh God, hold me now
oh Lord, hold me now
there's no other man who could raise the dead
so do what you can to anoint my head

oh God, where are you now?
oh Lord, say somehow
the devil is hard on my face again
the world is a hundred to one again

would the righteous still remain?
would my body stay the same?

oh God, hold me now
oh God, touch me now
there's no other man who could save the dead
there's no other God to place our head

would the righteous still remain?
would my body stay the same?

there's no other man who could raise the dead
so do what you can to anoint my head

oh God, hold me now
oh Lord, touch me now