A jaded heart

Today I had a moment that made me stop and think. And with the risk of making myself sound somewhat self-centred, I'm going to write about it to state my point.

This afternoon I went to the bank and I was casually waiting in line. I kept noticing that the gentleman next to be kept staring. In my rather cranky mood, all I could think of was "Great, what is he staring at? It will just really tick me off if he's checking me out!" The more I felt he was staring, the more pissed I got. Later he even took a minute to lean over and as what my tattoo meant, and he smiled. Innocent, right? Not to me at that moment. I just made me angry. It reminds me of another time when two guys on a subway were looking at me, and interestingly enough, asked about my tattoo. That pissed me off too.

The tough question is "Why?"

I think it's just the product of a jaded heart. I'm really not trying to say that I'm special, but I, like most women, have experienced the sense of being objectified by men. It's harsh, in those moments, the compliments that you hear are so much more destructive than they are constructive. The reason? They smack of insincerity. I know for me personally, I find myself building up a wall against comments, and it's really tough and it leaves me almost unable to accept a compliment. Yes, there are insecurities that cause me to question them too, but mostly I find I'm just sick of hearing about my body, my face, and to some extent my personality. How many people's actions towards me have been shaped because they find me attractive? (And come to think of it, how have I been unfair because I've found someone else attractive?)

My fear is that my heart will become so jaded about this one small thing, and this will bleed into all my relationships, and I will eventually close my heart. As a matter of fact, I am actually becoming more and more aware about how it really has already seeped unconciously into my friendships. I have to constanstly check myself because I find myself not trusting what people say because of how I feel they percieve me. Then up comes the wall, and I want to shut away the real me, the vulnerable me because if they can seem insincere when it comes to talking to me on just a small basic level, what would stop them from being fake when it comes to discussing something that is very intrinsic to me? Vulnerabilty is ok, but opening yourself up to someone in falseness just careless...

I know somewhere in my heart of hearts, the place wherein lies hope and faith, there are people who truly do mean what they say and who really care. I just hope I will learn to discern which is which, sooner rather than later. Heaven knows it will make things much easier!