Life presents itself with interesting situations at times, and sometimes I wonder whether we just choose to make more complications out of it just because it is possible. Coming from a "drama queen", this is probably quite truthful.
Lately, my life has just wanted to become more complicated, and I don't know what to do about it all. I just so unsure and confused as to what my choices should be so that they are choices that won't step on other people's lives. Ever get into that kind of situation?
For example, person A wants to have chocolate ice cream and person B does too. There is only one tub of ice cream. Now person A and person B are good friends, and person A knows that person B has constant cravings for chocolate, but wants to help person B with the cravings so that they don't get worse. Now person B knows that they want chocolate, and they are seeing this as a situation where chocolate won't be so bad to have, but is cautious. Person A also is trying to figure out what taste they have for chocolate, and is trying to be considerate to person B, but also wants to see how much they like chocolate. Person B is trying to be considerate of person A's need to understand how much they like chocolate. It's just a constant back and forth - it's just one little tub of chocolate ice cream, is it something that is necessary to fight over? But of course it's a great quality chocolate, so neither person A nor person B want to lose a claim on the tub of ice cream. But again, is the chocolate good enough to replace a friend if it comes down to it? And should the situation escalate to the point where that choice has to be made? And can the situation escalate just because it's not the first time this struggle has happened?
I'm just rambling, really.
This past year, I've learned a lot about friendships, and I've been trying hard to open my eyes to ways in which I have been selfish in the past. I still screw up, I still make mistakes. At least I'm a heck of a lot more aware of my faults then when I stepped on to the Toronto scene last September. I've met so many beautiful people here, and I've become a part of a community that has meant the world to me. For some of the first times in my life, I've been called on tough things, purely out of love, so that I can work on my hurts and my own issues - and all within a Godly way (and for those of you who know me, you know this is super important to me!)
Last fall, I lost the friendship of a lifetime for a little while. I was stupid, and selfish for probably the zillionth time, and it took a toll. It took losing that frienship for me to truly evaluate what it had meant to me. It was tough - it's really hard to learn that you've been loving someone the wrong way for almost 7 years. It was a reality check. But something helped me realize that I have the potential to love that person in the right way:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always potects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres". (1 Corinthians 13: 4-6)
And although the friendship is still coming back on track every new day, I feel it getting better, well, because there is hope. There is always hope. And faith. Maybe sometimes that's all you have, but at least you have that.
I guess that's almost my answer, ice cream comes and goes, person A and person B will come and go, and friends will come and go. At least through it all we should be able to say that we LOVED, truly loved them all.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
And sometimes you have a great day
Today seems to be a good day for a lot of people I know, and it's awesome. It's really nice to hear that other people are doing well - YAY!
I know today been good for me, there were a few things going on in my life that just needed a little resolution, and some much needed solutions were brought about as the moments of the day went on. I feel peaceful, and that's just comforting. I just hope the rest of the week is as good. I know that it's going to have it's ups and it's downs, and crazy moments, but why I shouldn't I try to stay positive, right?
I know today been good for me, there were a few things going on in my life that just needed a little resolution, and some much needed solutions were brought about as the moments of the day went on. I feel peaceful, and that's just comforting. I just hope the rest of the week is as good. I know that it's going to have it's ups and it's downs, and crazy moments, but why I shouldn't I try to stay positive, right?
Monday, September 26, 2005
Sometimes you've just got to look stupid
So, this morning, I decided to suck it up, and I auditioned for a musical. I swear it's been over a year since I've attempted this, and well, it showed. In my ever so regular fashion of things, I just tried to hard or something - the singing wasn't relaxed, it was horrible even. And yeah, ugh. All I can say is that it was fun, and every now and then I need that reality check to know what it's gonna be like WHEN I'm auditioning people in the future...
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
The mind of man
So, I just finished reading the book High Fidelity by Nick Hornby (almost like a Bridget Jones for guys), and I can't help but take a minute to expostulate on the mind of the opposite sex and guy/girl relations.
I don't by any means believe that I know what it is to think like a man. I'm not wired in the same way, and I'm ok with that. It think if I were exactly the same as everybody else, life wouldn't be half as interesting. I often wonder though, what it would be like to sit in the shoes of a man for once. Would I find myself more direct and laid-back? Would I find myself apathetic or neurotic? Would I find myself different at all?
Right off the bat, I will admit that there is a clear distinction, for the most part, between the guys I know and the girls I know. I don't know that there could be a complete interchange between the sexes. It's an interesting thought - if we are all made in the image of God, shouldn't we have some ability to be interchanged? Rather, perhaps what we do have are sensibilities that are unique to both sexes. The story of creation makes it very clear that men and women are created to be different, eacha counterpart to the other. This is a beautiful thing, but where do things get messed up? Maybe it's when we mix the thoughts of gender versus sex, or maybe we don't know the answer at all. Maybe it's meant to be part of the mystery of the universe.
Having a lot of guys friends does allow me to get a few guys perspectives from time to time, but are any of these opinions truly what he is thinking when confronted with a woman? Something tells me that the minute communication crosses the gender line, it isn't quite the same as if it were being told to someone of the same sex. I've experienced this in woman to woman conversation. But what is it the prompts us all to retain a certain air of mystery or sense of that we will be misunderstood if we are just direct with someone of the opposite sex? Maybe we're don't know how, or maybe we just want to know how.
The funny thing about this whole diatribe is that it all hinges on societal definitions of what is means to be a man or a woman. These gender roles are those roles which are imposed on us due to our outward biology. Most commonly we find these "roles" manifested in the simplest ideas as having girls in pink and boys in blue. How these arbitrary notions came to be associated with who a person is is something I can't answer. Then suddenly thoughts continue on to the Freudian and Lacanian terms of gender and psychology, and you begin to wonder how wacked out ideas of penis envy being the root of all womanly trouble ever became widely accepted as truth! Somehow society ended up catergorizing individuals in such a way that individuality became impossible, and even redundant, because it is vastly more acceptable to be part of a group, right?
I know what most people are thinking now - society has changed; we no longer have to fit into specific gender roles. Men can be "Stay-at-home-moms" and women can move into the work force. The lines are being blurred. But the fact is, this is still catergorizing based on assigned cultural definitions. We still see actions as either "womanly" or "manly".
A little while ago, when trying to figure out my position as a woman in theatre, I came across and interesting term: the materialist feminist. Essentially, a materialist feminist is a feminist who believes that gender roles as imposed by society are not only detrimental to women, but are detrimental to men as well. Unlike cultural feminism, which seeks to unify women based on their biology and use this unity to subvert patriarchal tendencies, materialist feminism focuses more on the relationships in society and how they construct a person.
Too often feminism can come across as wanting to eliminate the idea of gender roles, period. Well, it's really an impossible task. You can never elminate the biological sexes, and you can never eliminate preconceived notions that individuals have based on experience and thousand of years of historical background, so can you can't radically blot out gender roles. As it stands, we will never be free of the mark and meaning of our sex and how it has been concieved in the cultural hierarchy. (Some of this aspect I believe might relate the another one of God's plans, but that's another issue to talk about later). So, what can you do? Consider the societal interactions of any given person.
Anyone can act in a way that can be labelled in a "insert category here". Working through our tendancies to be so compartmental can definately broaden the scope of individuality seen around us. Being aware of what pre-conceived notions we are holding on to is a first step in looking past the gestures and actions of any given person, and helps us learn to suspend those notions and to focus on relationships. How are these persons actions relating who they really are, rather than who they are meant to be? It's almost like seeing a Barbie, and rather than immediately associating it will little girls and pink flowers, you take a minute to see the doll and wonder what about it that makes you want to engage with it. That's the "essence" of what the doll means to you. Suddenly, you begin to see the doll as just a doll that sometimes happens to be with little girls and flowers, but is sometimes just a collector's item. You've begun to seek out a new perspective and means of investigating your world.
Maybe the whole point of me going into this is to get each one of us to start considering what roles we are playing and/or seeing played in front of us when we start to interact with the opposite sex. How many of out expections for a relationship is stem from what we feel our roles should be, or better yet what the role that the relationship itself should mean? I don't have the answer myself, but I know I've got to start unpacking some my own baggage before I can fix any relationships or start new ones. Hmm...the story of everyone's life, right? Ha!
Clearly then end of this expostulation has ended very far from where I originally intended to go, thanks to all of you who actually chose to pay attention.
Thank you, and goodnight!
I don't by any means believe that I know what it is to think like a man. I'm not wired in the same way, and I'm ok with that. It think if I were exactly the same as everybody else, life wouldn't be half as interesting. I often wonder though, what it would be like to sit in the shoes of a man for once. Would I find myself more direct and laid-back? Would I find myself apathetic or neurotic? Would I find myself different at all?
Right off the bat, I will admit that there is a clear distinction, for the most part, between the guys I know and the girls I know. I don't know that there could be a complete interchange between the sexes. It's an interesting thought - if we are all made in the image of God, shouldn't we have some ability to be interchanged? Rather, perhaps what we do have are sensibilities that are unique to both sexes. The story of creation makes it very clear that men and women are created to be different, eacha counterpart to the other. This is a beautiful thing, but where do things get messed up? Maybe it's when we mix the thoughts of gender versus sex, or maybe we don't know the answer at all. Maybe it's meant to be part of the mystery of the universe.
Having a lot of guys friends does allow me to get a few guys perspectives from time to time, but are any of these opinions truly what he is thinking when confronted with a woman? Something tells me that the minute communication crosses the gender line, it isn't quite the same as if it were being told to someone of the same sex. I've experienced this in woman to woman conversation. But what is it the prompts us all to retain a certain air of mystery or sense of that we will be misunderstood if we are just direct with someone of the opposite sex? Maybe we're don't know how, or maybe we just want to know how.
The funny thing about this whole diatribe is that it all hinges on societal definitions of what is means to be a man or a woman. These gender roles are those roles which are imposed on us due to our outward biology. Most commonly we find these "roles" manifested in the simplest ideas as having girls in pink and boys in blue. How these arbitrary notions came to be associated with who a person is is something I can't answer. Then suddenly thoughts continue on to the Freudian and Lacanian terms of gender and psychology, and you begin to wonder how wacked out ideas of penis envy being the root of all womanly trouble ever became widely accepted as truth! Somehow society ended up catergorizing individuals in such a way that individuality became impossible, and even redundant, because it is vastly more acceptable to be part of a group, right?
I know what most people are thinking now - society has changed; we no longer have to fit into specific gender roles. Men can be "Stay-at-home-moms" and women can move into the work force. The lines are being blurred. But the fact is, this is still catergorizing based on assigned cultural definitions. We still see actions as either "womanly" or "manly".
A little while ago, when trying to figure out my position as a woman in theatre, I came across and interesting term: the materialist feminist. Essentially, a materialist feminist is a feminist who believes that gender roles as imposed by society are not only detrimental to women, but are detrimental to men as well. Unlike cultural feminism, which seeks to unify women based on their biology and use this unity to subvert patriarchal tendencies, materialist feminism focuses more on the relationships in society and how they construct a person.
Too often feminism can come across as wanting to eliminate the idea of gender roles, period. Well, it's really an impossible task. You can never elminate the biological sexes, and you can never eliminate preconceived notions that individuals have based on experience and thousand of years of historical background, so can you can't radically blot out gender roles. As it stands, we will never be free of the mark and meaning of our sex and how it has been concieved in the cultural hierarchy. (Some of this aspect I believe might relate the another one of God's plans, but that's another issue to talk about later). So, what can you do? Consider the societal interactions of any given person.
Anyone can act in a way that can be labelled in a "insert category here". Working through our tendancies to be so compartmental can definately broaden the scope of individuality seen around us. Being aware of what pre-conceived notions we are holding on to is a first step in looking past the gestures and actions of any given person, and helps us learn to suspend those notions and to focus on relationships. How are these persons actions relating who they really are, rather than who they are meant to be? It's almost like seeing a Barbie, and rather than immediately associating it will little girls and pink flowers, you take a minute to see the doll and wonder what about it that makes you want to engage with it. That's the "essence" of what the doll means to you. Suddenly, you begin to see the doll as just a doll that sometimes happens to be with little girls and flowers, but is sometimes just a collector's item. You've begun to seek out a new perspective and means of investigating your world.
Maybe the whole point of me going into this is to get each one of us to start considering what roles we are playing and/or seeing played in front of us when we start to interact with the opposite sex. How many of out expections for a relationship is stem from what we feel our roles should be, or better yet what the role that the relationship itself should mean? I don't have the answer myself, but I know I've got to start unpacking some my own baggage before I can fix any relationships or start new ones. Hmm...the story of everyone's life, right? Ha!
Clearly then end of this expostulation has ended very far from where I originally intended to go, thanks to all of you who actually chose to pay attention.
Thank you, and goodnight!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
That's a wrap!
So, it's been a little while since I've updated this blog, mostly because I've been so busy. Tomorrow is going to be the first day off that I've had since the Sunday before last - technically at least, seeing as I had the weekend off from the store but I've been working on the movie stuff all weekend - so I need a break.
I can't believe I can actually say that I've worked on a movie. Sweet. First and foremost, it was nice to work on a set of some kind again. I've really, really missed it. Secondly, it was good to help out my friend Karl - he's had a production company for a while now and he's trying to get a portfolio together of films that he's directed. He came up with the script and concept and basically begged, borrowed and stole (not literally on the stealing) to get this movie done on a super tight budget. Having been a director with a vision before, it was so lovely to see one of his dreams come into fruition. I can't wait to see the final product. So, yay Karl!
The other fun part about this weekend was getting to meet so many people from all around who might not have had anything in common but the willingness to put their support and time behing Karl. The sheer number of people that were willing to pull long hours for little to no pay just made me feel really encouraged. You can always find people who are willing to stand behind a dream - or at least I'd like to think so. Plus, all of these people were fun to work with, so it makes the long hours tolerable! They all seem to be into networking - which often happens within the creative industry - so, maybe I'll get some good contacts. Even today I got a call from someone on the shoot calling me and asking me for props advice - kinda ironic seeing as after Bat Boy at Queen's I said I would never do props again and this movie has been the third undertaking - which is nice. I also got a good review in terms of being good to work with, so who knows! Baby steps.
All in all, I really hope that this movie experience will be a good start of me finally getting on track in terms of doing some more creative work like I've been wanting to for a long while. God willing...
I can't believe I can actually say that I've worked on a movie. Sweet. First and foremost, it was nice to work on a set of some kind again. I've really, really missed it. Secondly, it was good to help out my friend Karl - he's had a production company for a while now and he's trying to get a portfolio together of films that he's directed. He came up with the script and concept and basically begged, borrowed and stole (not literally on the stealing) to get this movie done on a super tight budget. Having been a director with a vision before, it was so lovely to see one of his dreams come into fruition. I can't wait to see the final product. So, yay Karl!
The other fun part about this weekend was getting to meet so many people from all around who might not have had anything in common but the willingness to put their support and time behing Karl. The sheer number of people that were willing to pull long hours for little to no pay just made me feel really encouraged. You can always find people who are willing to stand behind a dream - or at least I'd like to think so. Plus, all of these people were fun to work with, so it makes the long hours tolerable! They all seem to be into networking - which often happens within the creative industry - so, maybe I'll get some good contacts. Even today I got a call from someone on the shoot calling me and asking me for props advice - kinda ironic seeing as after Bat Boy at Queen's I said I would never do props again and this movie has been the third undertaking - which is nice. I also got a good review in terms of being good to work with, so who knows! Baby steps.
All in all, I really hope that this movie experience will be a good start of me finally getting on track in terms of doing some more creative work like I've been wanting to for a long while. God willing...
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Having a weird day
I hate that. I don't want to feel cranky or anything. Boo on that.
At least the movie stuff is going well. Go team.
At least the movie stuff is going well. Go team.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
The Blue Man Experience
WOW!
So, I literally have just stepped into the house after what one could call a VERY interesting night of performance. I was just lucky enough to experience The Blue Man Group (see link) in Toronto, and it was sooooo good!
My friend Kris is working for The Men these days, and he managed to get me a couple of tickets to tonight's performance, and I couldn't have been luckier. It was amazing. It's so hard to describe the whole thing. The show is something that just has to be experience first hand, and I suggest if you get the chance to see the group here, or at any other location, jump on the opportunity. It is a plethora of sights, sounds, and events that makes up a very original and innovative show. It's hard to say whether this is performance art, or a theatre piece, or something that is a mix of the two (with tongue-in-cheek intentions), but all in all it's very tight, and very well done. The calibre of the timing of the performers, band, and even the crew is so incredible, that it's just a pleasure to watch. Plus, there is major audience participation and amusement, so I feel pretty good about saying that no one will be bored at this show. Wow.
Tonight was also fun because I ended up taking my collegue from work, Kaleena. She's just great, and sure we see each other at work all the time, but you don't always get a chance to hang out with someone in the "real world". It was a real pleasure to go with her because she was so able to get into the whole show, and we both have an appreciation for music, so we could also share in that. I was so glad that in the end I was able to go with someone who could enjoy the experience as much as I did. Very cool.
All in all, a very fun night, which is nice because this long weekend is a weekend of hard work, and not too much excitement, so I'm glad it's had a good highlight. Yay! And I reiterate: "Wow!"
So, I literally have just stepped into the house after what one could call a VERY interesting night of performance. I was just lucky enough to experience The Blue Man Group (see link) in Toronto, and it was sooooo good!
My friend Kris is working for The Men these days, and he managed to get me a couple of tickets to tonight's performance, and I couldn't have been luckier. It was amazing. It's so hard to describe the whole thing. The show is something that just has to be experience first hand, and I suggest if you get the chance to see the group here, or at any other location, jump on the opportunity. It is a plethora of sights, sounds, and events that makes up a very original and innovative show. It's hard to say whether this is performance art, or a theatre piece, or something that is a mix of the two (with tongue-in-cheek intentions), but all in all it's very tight, and very well done. The calibre of the timing of the performers, band, and even the crew is so incredible, that it's just a pleasure to watch. Plus, there is major audience participation and amusement, so I feel pretty good about saying that no one will be bored at this show. Wow.Tonight was also fun because I ended up taking my collegue from work, Kaleena. She's just great, and sure we see each other at work all the time, but you don't always get a chance to hang out with someone in the "real world". It was a real pleasure to go with her because she was so able to get into the whole show, and we both have an appreciation for music, so we could also share in that. I was so glad that in the end I was able to go with someone who could enjoy the experience as much as I did. Very cool.
All in all, a very fun night, which is nice because this long weekend is a weekend of hard work, and not too much excitement, so I'm glad it's had a good highlight. Yay! And I reiterate: "Wow!"
Goodbye Candikins...
Well, it's official now...As of last evening, Candy Alexander has passed on. She lived a great life, and she was a beautiful, well-natured, and very special companion for the whole Alexander family. It's sad that she isn't with us anymore, but she lived a long time with us and came a long way. From being a small puppy rescued from the Drake Animal Hospital to being a slighty prima donna-esque old lady, she brought so much love to our family. I will truly miss her.
Today I feel very much more at peace about her passing on. I talked to Mum on the phone, and she said that Candy passed away very peacefully, to the point that you couldn't even tell when her heart stopped beating. Mum tucked her away in her little blue blanket so that just her nose and eyes showed, the way she liked to sleep, and both her and Dad said their last goodbyes.
So, goodbye Candida, the cutest mutt I ever had the pleasure of calling my own. Goodbye, we all love you. We all miss you.
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