Recently my friend Tom posted on his blog about the seemingly huge preoccupation that Christians of a certain age have about getting married. Makes you think. I agree that it is very true of many of us younguns at FT and even other Christian communites I've been around. So many of us are wanting to find that one true relationship and end up projecting vibes like "Love me! Love me" or "Are you my significant other?" onto others. Is this a good thing? Is this a bad thing? It's hard to say.
For a long time I know I was reluctant to even acknowledge that I want to be a wife. I've talked about this before. Now that I do know it is something I want to be prepared for, I feel even more confused. What does it mean to be looking for the one? How will I know my husband when I meet him? I've been so wrong in the past. And for me, that's a HUGE sticking point. Twice in my life have I ever been "sure" about dating someone, in the sense that I knew that I was meant to date them. Interestingly enough, these boys were my first and seconds loves, but still it went wrong in the end. Hindsight 20/20, although very good at the time, my surety was based in infatuation. I left no room for God to work, I didn't want to admit that I could be wrong.
Is it possible that we do place too much emphasis on kismet or romantic notions of cosmic proportions? Are we so seduced by relationships depicted in movies and books that we are closing ourselves off the the possibilities that exist? I often think about this. Mind you, I have very little experience dating within Christian circles, but still. I find myself noticing a certain element of hypersentivity in Christian dating and I am uncertain if it is well founded. What I mean is that it seems to me that many of us are putting ourselves "out there" but we're not ready to accept the consequences of that, or even more simply we are not ready for the follow through. It's almost a sense of feeling that we are all waiting for the proverbial lightening bolt or fireworks to strike before we admit that God might have a hand in a relationship. It's is this "quick start, quick end" approach that confuses me.
I do acknowledge that it is very unfair to cause your Christian brother or sister to stumble or to cause them to be diverted from their path because of an ill-timed romantic sensibility. I am no suggesting that one should drag on dating until you are beating a dead horse. Rather, I'm wondering if we are too quick to throw in the towel because we are so untrusting of the sensation "being in love" - we want to pass it off as infatuation and we don't allow the seeds of deep caring love to form at all. Simply, sometimes it seems like "this person is my friend, let's hang out, not my wife, let's be friends again". How are we so sure?
Yet, I also consider the other side of the coin. I do whole-heartedly believe that God must have His hand in our romantic relationships. Christian marriage is serious. It is marriage to one person for life, and a promise that is made at the feet of God himself. Messing with that is not something I want to do. So, yes, we have to make sure that we listen to God as well. He is the one who designed me to love - manifested as both "being in love" and as long-term promise keeping love. Amen for that.
I guess in the end all I can do is admit that I don't have the answers. I don't know what God has in store for me - I may be a wife next year, I may be one when I'm 52, or I may never be one. Who knows but Him who would have me do His will? I figure sticking with Him is my best way to find out what is arranged for me.
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3 comments:
I do think sometimes that all the movies and books I read do me (and women in general) a disservice with regards to love and marriage. I don't think I believe in 'soulmate' (barf) and there's a line from 4 weddings and a funeral that kind of describes what I think about it. It is by the kind of stuffy friend of Hugh Grant and he says that unlike Hugh he never expected the lightning bolt. He'd meet a girl he thought was attractive and she didn't find him repulsive and they'd get along and that'd be that. (Although if I am going to get married, I'd kind of like to do it BEFORE I'm 52. :) )
Dude...a lot of stuff there. I think Christians do obsess more about marriage...but that's probably natural considering that Christian marriage is so serious. Because of that, all the steps before it - the friendships, the dating, the engagment, the everything - is so much more important. And on top of that, Christians are called to look at every relationship in a different way: every person is first our brother/sister in Christ, and we should treat everyone with this radical sibling God kind of love. So automatically, dating can't ever really be "just dating." Even if you (*cough, cough* me) are able to pretend that it is "just dating" and "not serious" for a period of time it's ultimately a lie.
Acknowledging that you want to be a wife is nuts. It's the first step away from the lie of casual dating, and towards a closer relationship with God. It's also a step towards the kind of singleness that God calls Christians to, the kind of singleness that at its essence is a "vacancy for Christ."
Both marriage and singleness are images of the relationship between God and His people. Chrysostom wrote that "marriage is the image of heaven and celibacy is the image of the kingdom." So, whichever it is, we're called to excellence in it.
Timing is ultimately God's, but I think you can take comfort in one thing. Usually things God calls you to are easy - not as in simple, or always 100% easy, but easier than the alternative. I think if you find that it's hard to be single, that you crave relationship and the kind of union that marriage is, then you're probably not called to lifelong/monastic celibacy.
On the other hand, whether we're single or married we're called to chastity. Chastity is an interesting word...it actually doesn't mean just refraining from sex, but rather encompasses an emotional/spiritual state probably best described as doing sexuality/sex IN the Body of Christ...in a way that benefits the Body of Christ. And although there's some wiggle room, the Word makes it pretty clear what that means.
Anyway...thats my somewhat long (sorry!) thoughts about all this. Additionally I have a GREAT book you should borrow. Remind me if you're interested.
Ericka,
Wow. Amen to that.
I totally appreciate how you've worded the idea of "vacancy for Christ". I totally acknowledge that since admitting that I want to be a wife, God have very much placed that desire, but also given me the ability to see that it doesn't have to be right away. And it's a beautiful thing. For so long I was "boy crazy" and got so caught up in the drama of things that I acted solely on the impulse to gain attention. I figure I would me the right person that way. That couldn't be farther from the truth. God has told me that I need to wait, place my heart within His care and just let things happen. Essentially, I DO mean it when I say "Jesus is my boyfriend" because my heart has to be fully committed there, vacant for Christ, before I can love anyone else in any capacity. As as you also said, being called to this is "easy".
And on another note, I would love to read this book that you're talking about - and maybe even to chat about this one day.
Thanks for you long comment! :)
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