Just to note - I wrote this post twice apparently- I thought I had lost the first post. I have included both versions here now as I feel they both kinda mix to show what I'm thinking...
Version 1:
Today, I don't find myself feeling any better. I am spiritually and emotionally drained. And what's more, is that last night I started feeling antsy, which in my last year of spiritual growth (translate ass-kicking at times) usually means that something is about to happen. Now, I have yet to be able to discern in advance if this means something good or something bad will happen, but something will happen. And it's tough, because I am just feeling so tired, and I want to cling so closely to the Lord because I know He will be my source of clarity, but at the same time, I'm tired, I don't know if I can step forward and do what He wants me to do. Sigh.
I guess we'll just breathe, take a moment, pray a little, and then step out in faith. I can at least take comfort in knowing, no matter how hard it may be, I'm always taken care off. Amen to that.
Version 2:
Today is another day, and I'm still feeling slight emotionally and spiritually drained. At least it's getting a little better as the day goes on, but still, I'm just not feeling 100% today. What's more is that last night and this morning I was feeling restless, which generally means that I am about to experience something...at least, that's what it's meant over this last year of spiritual growth (translate ass-kicking). So, yeah, looks as if the "Big G" is trying to share something with me, it's just rough that I'm not able to discern what that is just yet. Grr. I know I've gotta stay true, and patient and faithful, but I sometimes hard to be brave when I don't know what to expect. Something is going to shift. I just don't know if I'm ready for it.
Plus, it's not easy to grow in the Lord sometimes. It's really not. It's great when it happens, but it definitely takes a lot out of you. It's hard to take a long solid inward look and say "This is crap, I need this out of my life. Jesus, fix the holes!" because it means sifting through painful thoughts and facing the darkness in order to become victorious over it.
Baby steps.
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2 comments:
If I thought this much about myself, I would get pretty depressed. Fortunately, I don't. It's nice. You should try it.
Hi.
I can't figure if this is meant as an insult, but either way I thought I would respond. And although I could write something myself, my friend recently posted these words of wisdom from a mentor and I thought they were appropriate:
"A man was recently complaining to me about how most men rejected him. In his mind he was convinced that it was their entire fault. As kindly as I could I tried to get him to see that fundamentally 'what we project is what we get back.'
If one or two people reject me that's par for the course. Not everybody is going to like me. Expecting them to do so is totally unrealistic.
However, if many people reject me then I can be reasonably sure that the reason probably lies within me. In reality, 'We tend to treat ourselves the way we were treated and then others treat us the way we treat ourselves.' If, for example, I felt rejected as a child, I will tend to continue acting as if I am still being rejected, and imagine in my mind that others are still rejecting me also. While this is understandable it's self-deception.
Furthermore, as long as we blame others for the reactions we have, we can never overcome our problems. It's far too easy to want others to change. The reality is that the only person I can ever change is me. And when I change, people's reaction to me will also change˜because what I consistently project I will consistently get back! That's pretty much a law of life. What we sow is what we reap.
The road to recovery begins with facing the truth and reality of what we are contributing to the problems we have. Only then can we help ourselves and only then can God help us. Denial of reality is the way to self-destruction. As Jesus pointed out, only the truth can set us free".
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