An interesting Sunday

Boy, I feel tired.

It's been one long Sunday today. It all started early this morning. I got up and went to The Meeting House this morning. It's a totally different church experience than Freedomize, and it was pretty cool. I don't know how exactly I felt about it, but it was good to get out an experience a new perspective. It was also neat to run into two people that I knew from Queen's, neither of which I have seen in a really long time. Very cool. I'm hoping the one guy, Steve, will come to visit FT.

After church, my roomie Nick and my friend Sharon and I went to the Red Room for brunch. It was really fun just to chat and be together. Though, sometimes it was a tad hard to keep up, seeing as the insults were flying to and fro between us all. Luckily, you can still tell there is a lot of love. Yeah, it was nice to have some quality time and a chance to kinda unwind after the service.

Next, I spent the afternoon with my friend Jay. We had a good chat while we were walking around on Queen West trying on a myriad of different hats and buying belt buckles (his says "Lucky Bastard" and can open beer bottles, and mine is a Wonder Woman buckle). But, I must admit, it wasn't an easy afternoon in some senses. In typical Jay fashion, he managed to pick up some crap I've been thinking about lately, and convicted me to do the right thing about it. In fact, we started (rather passionately on either side) discussion the whole Christian dating scene, which I have been really struggling to understand lately...

Mainly, I've been struggling with the idea of being hypersenstive about the whole dating scene, and wondering where the balance lies between our own actions and God's control in letting love grow. I can't help but feel that I don't know what it all means in terms of friendships and relationships...and well...yeah...I get pretty angry about it, to be frank. Something in me is so angry because of the lack of exploration or the lack of risk taking...or maybe just at the lack of...I don't know...something. Grr. (See, anger!) Although there were good points made on either side, in the end it came down to Jay making a very honest observation. Maybe all the time and energy and anger I am feeling about this issue really doesn't have anything to do with the world of dating at all. Maybe I'm just angry at the whole situation because I feel like I'm not being as honest I can with the world, and that is causing me to misplace my anger at the situation, rather than fix my own hurts...Harsh, I know, but it's probably very true.

It got me thinking. It's true, I do just that, I hide who I really am and what I'm really thinking from the world, more often than not. Well, at least when it comes to relationships with boys. I don't know that I want to sit and dissect the whole business on my blog, all I know, is yes, relationships don't come easily to me, and right now I am angry...and I think Jay is very right in pointing out that part of my anger stems from my own inability to show myself as a vulnerable person who gets hurt and who cares, and who, well, just has a hard time believing she is worthy of being loved sometimes. (Really, it isn't that destitute a thing, but these are some scars that I have and that are healing, praise God!)

Needless to say, it was a bit of a heavy afternoon. Then it was church time again. Freedomize was good, but hard as well. Lately, going to Freedomize has been really rough...I still love the church and I feel like it's my home. I just find myself being really restless in the services lately. I can't sit downstairs all the time, or I'll find myself wandering. I feel like He's trying to tell me something, but I can't always make it out. I don't know. But tonight wasn't any different. I was torn. In fact I found myself on the balcony again, this time crying and totally trying to pray away my anger from the afternoon. I just wanted to be in the service, worshipping God, not feeling crappy and angry and resentful. Sigh. It did improve, the end of the service was great, but then more anger about a different frustration crept up again, and I found myself having to leave because I was angry and upset again. Oh dear, the ups and downs...

Then in good Christian fashion, I went and drowned my frustrations in food and drink. Ha! Just kidding, well, except for the eating and drinking business. After the service, we went over to a friend's place to eat and drink and watch the Oscars. Very good. But now it's almost 1 am and I'm tired. It has been a long emotional rollercoaster of a day.

Let's just hope it's a good sleep, and this feeling of restlessness and frustration will disappear.