A Ben Folds Concert Teaser

I can't edit sound worth a damn, but oh well. Enjoy this little teaser friends.

A well spent Friday evening

Alas, sometimes you just have to give in and be a girl. Tonight I wasn't feeling at all well, in fact, I caught a naseous/dizzy spell at work around five pm and didn't get much repose from it until I got home and ate something substantial. I decided to blow off any strenuous activity for the evening, and hang at home. I ordered dirty bird (aka Christian chicken) and sat back watching a classic 80's movie, Girl Just Want to Have Fun starring Sarah Jessica Parker (very much pre Sex and the City) and Helen Hunt (very much pre Mad About You). I love this movie. It's so 80's! And it's great that I only have it on VHS because you get the whole experience.

I also took the opportunity to paint my toe nails and finger nails - my toes are once again a very lovely shade of red and my nails are just painted with clear polish, but they are nicely trimmed to equal length and filed into a nice squarish shape. (The square shape works better for me because I have very roung finger nails, and it just looks better).

So, just in case any of you were in doubt I am a girl...

shameless plug

My friend Rachel is having a blog comment contest - and I'm putting in a shameless plug for her.  Go to her blog, post a comment.  I don't care if it's not original.  I just care that you do it!  

Hook it up.

p.s. I apologize I'm not creative with the blog post today, I'm too dang tired.

Put on a happy face

Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!
Pick out a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin;
Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,
Slap on a happy grin!
And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just put on a happy face!

A lighter shade of grey

I'm feeling a little better today - not quite so angry and bent out of shape. I think prayer has really helped, and getting to go to LR last night was great. I really love those people. I mean, it's pretty sweet to be able to spend an evening with a bunch of crazy people telling jokes then start praying with them. You hear that? I LOVE YOU ALL!

Work has been pretty good too, it's the first day where things have been easing up a little since last week. Let's hope it stays steady but not crazy busy. I think this last week has been bringing down morale a little, so it'll be really good to have things settle down.

I've also been trying not to think so despairingly about the world and my surroundings too. Sometimes when you getting into a vicious cycle, it's next to impossible to get some outside perspective, but I praise the Lord because I've got some truly good friends who have all been trying to lift me out of my slump. Again, I LOVE YOU ALL.

Plus, I've now got even more to look forward to when it comes to the Ben Folds-a-go-go situation. Not only have a managed to rope in one person (Tom) but alas, there are now three other that are coming to the concert (Karl, Jeff & Cindy). I'm totally getting excited. I got the first set of tickets in the mail today. WAHOO! I can't wait! Ben Folds rocks my suburbs! (And, no, that's isn't an innuendo).

She's heading into a better frame of mind.

Dare you to move

The times they are a changing. There is a new warmth in the breeze, and people are finding themselves stopping to notice the daffodils. Green life is poking up around the city, and new earth is being upturned. Everywhere there is new life. There is a restlessness that is entering into affairs as people begin to open their windows and beat the dirt out of their rugs. Piles of unwanted things are being discarded in the hopes of creating a cleaner, fresher living space and renewal is the word that sits resting on the tip of the tongue. And there is another word on the tongue of many I know as well: moving.

It seems the trend as of late is to find new living arrangements, and I friends, must admit I too am finding myself bitten by the bug. I've been in my current local for nearly two years now, and circumstances have changed many a time, but now I find myself ready to move on. I am ready to embrace the prospect of a new home. It may not happen right away, but I want to step out into something new, and new adventure.

After all, one can only move forward.

Rough and tumbly

Ever take a minute to just stop and think what it was like to be a kid? Just rough and tumbly, not having a care in the world, wanting to be outside and playing in the dirt. Ever new step was a huge adventure, and there was something to be learned around every corner. Life was new and exciting and you weren't jaded in any way. There was optimism and hope in every breath. You were free, free to just run and play. You could take risks on your crappy bike, fall down, cry and then be jumping for joy the next minute.

Heavens I miss that.

Waiting to breathe

Like it seems most of my friends are, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  We've been slammed at work, and I'm tired of talking to people.  It's starting to take it's toll on my home life too.  My brain can't take any more. Even my jaw hurts, kinda sad seeing as I talk all day long for a living.

More poison.

Sometimes you need to find a weekend Barbie

So, this was an ok weekend - I've been realizing lately that I need more time to just me than I've been taking and this weekend I managed to get a little "me" time. I've gone through a few up and downs and I'm not quite sure, but I think I'm coming out on top tonight, though still feeling a little bruised. I've been pondering a lot lately about things that I should be doing, and as my friend Karl pointed out on Friday - maybe thinking too much isn't a good thing. In the case of the last little while, seeing as more often than not my true searching has been getting truncated, I'm finding myself inclined to agree. I've been too focused on my inabilities to do certain things and my inability to understand my steps that I've put myself into a self-depricating cycle - and well, that's just crappy.

In fact, I was really cranky all day yesterday. Interestingly enough, I came to a realization. I am angry right now. I'm angry at my job, at people, at my own claustrophobic position in life and my willingness to take a stand-still position. I'm angry at my jealously of those pursuing their dreams. I'm angry at my pent up feelings. I'm angry at my thoughts. I'm angry - and it's making me tired.

It's poisonous.

Luckily, yesterday I was totally blessed with a random visit from my friend Ryan - he came downtown to see the Jays and we ended up having a really good long talk - our first outside of work, actually. It was awesome. We talked about a lot of things, and he listened to me flushing out my anger. But what was particularly wonderful was his outstanding ability to be really uplifting. This is a genuine, loving and caring individual. He's young, but he's got a really good head on his shoulders already and I'm glad to be able to call him friend. Really. It was an invaluable moment in my weekend. It was just the breath of fresh air I needed. Something that took me out of the motions and mixed two different worlds. Plus, he spoke some really good words of wisdom that I might just have to think about. Especially his encouragement to stop thinking so much about my own tasks, and start focusing on the world outside - something that I think is a VERY important next steps for myself and many others that I know.

Ry, thank you, and I see the wooden horse will come and when it does, you'll be the first to know.

Writing of bastardly comments on blogs

What is the motivation behind that? Does that make you feel good? You have the right to an opinion, sure, but I will not post it on my comments section because it's not worth publishing.

This goes out to those who want to write things like "hope you fall of your bike" and "shut up".

Boo on that.

Not so sure

Tonight, I went to a great event - I got to see JKKB and Red Zepplin play at Clinton's. Very cool. Plus we were celebrating my good friend Kate's b-day. I had a good time. I even ran into friends I haven't seen for ages...it was good. But alas, I really wanted to talk to my good friend and confidante about some crap going on in my life and I kinda touched on it, and well, I felt like it was a cheap conversation and I am so confused as to it's message. I'm just not so sure...

False humility

As I was commuting to work today, I was pondering the tendency of what I have dubbed "false humility". I'm referring to the want to express your hard work on a certain humbling experiences to others in a way that it almost back-handedly asking for acceptance. It creates a sense of insecurity and insincerity. Who else is guilty of this all the time?

As per normal, I find myself getting stuck on the balance between the extremes. One cannot be too humble, so as to not accept any attention, as that is a form of humbleness that masks a slight arrogance, meaning as you are too good to accept praise or, worse, that masks one's inability to love oneself. Also, one cannot also be too proud as to believe they should never be broken in a humbling experience.

Humbleness, but definition is not proud or even can be said to be actions offered in submission style (read servitude in Christian-ese). Of course, approaching any task with this mind set is not easy, and I believe, in fact, that it takes a very special person to come across as truly humble. More often than not, we want to seem like we're coming from the right place, saying that we're willing to serve others modestly. Yes, intentions of that nature are fantastic, and should be practiced, but how often to we hide that need for acceptance and validation in our hearts are we embark on our day to day tasks? Are we all falling into the trap of "false humility?"

I know myself, there are times that I do certain actions that appear to be serving on the outside, but on the inside I might be thinking "If I just do this, then I will seem like this..." Knowing that I have this tendency is of course the first step, but it's hard. I want so much to just "be" and not to worry about the debilitating constraints of this world, or even self-imposed constraints.

Maybe it just comes down to a question - "What is my motivation?"

Think about it. I know I will.

Blog updates galore

Friends of the dramaqueen,

I've been busy updating the sidebar. I've added links for some bands that I know. Some are friends from FT, some from Queen's, and some from Toronto, there is even a friend from Lab West. Check 'em out! I've revamped the blog links too - there are some new pages to read and now you can read them by more or less updated categories. There's an art section if you're into visual art, I'm proudest of my uncle's work, naturally, but there are some great pics on there. Finally, there are a few other links added here and there. Feel free to peruse.

The Reigning Drama Queen

Pieces of Art

It seems that taking pictures of oneself for artsy purposes does pay off. Although I have been too lazy to get on my own artsy initiative, my friend Sue's from work has kindly passed on my self-portrait pictures to her artist friend Eleanor Chapman and she's done her digital art magic on them. Yes, folks. I am now featured as art. Very cool.

Check out Eleanor's gallery here or use the link on the sidebar. (Oh, but please note, there is some artsy nakedness on this site - don't be afraid).

A casual reminder to the world

LIS.TEN

Main Entry: 1lis·ten
Pronunciation: 'li-s&n
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): lis·tened; lis·ten·ing /'lis-ni[ng], 'li-s&n-i[ng]/
Etymology: Middle English listnen, from Old English hlysnan; akin to Sanskrit srosati he hears, Old English hlud loud
transitive senses, archaic : to give ear to : HEAR
intransitive senses
1 : to pay attention to sound
2 : to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration
3 : to be alert to catch an expected sound

An non-church related post!

I managed to score tix to see Ben Folds in concert on May 6th in Niagra Falls, NY. I'm super excited!

Now I just have to 1) find someone to take the second ticket (you might as well buy two while you're at it) and 2) borrow/rent a vehicle to get there or coerce a friend with a car into coming.

Ben Folds, I'm a coming to see you! Yeah, you!

WAHOO!

Steps in the right direction

So, it's Easter Monday and I'm back at work. I'm finding myself unsure of what I think and feel today, and in fact, I'm a little emotional. This past weekend was amazing - lots of church - and our service last night at Freedomize was totally full of the Spirit. I even got a little ghosted (Christianese for feeling the Lord acutely). It was great. We topped off the whole experience with a very enjoyable dinner at The Keg. 10 oz New York Striploin, yes please!

But yet, today I am finding myself in a weird space. Over the weekend it really became clear to me that I am going to have a rough time in the next little while with the day to day and that I really need God's guidance and understanding to make it through. I have been asked to commit to certain actions for the Lord, and I am gung-ho for the outcome in the long run, but I don't think I know how to make it through the day to day. Baby steps.

Easter has convicted me all the more than I need to lay down my trials at the feet of the Lord and He will set me straight.

Amen to that.

He is risen! He is risen indeed! Alleluiah!

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them.. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!" (Luke 24: 1-6)

For tonight a glorious thing is happening

Watch by the cross

At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" - which means, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:34)

Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." A jar of wine was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus' lips. When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished". With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. (John 19: 28-30)

Today is Good Friday. Today is the day that my Saviour died. He died on the cross so that I may be saved from evil, from all sin, and so that I might have everlasting life. For this reason, I stand by the cross today, and forever more. God gave up his only son, the physical manifestation of His own holiness, to a brutal death, just as it was foretold in the book of Isaiah.

In a world where there are so many moments where we want to cry out ourselves saying "My God, what have you forsaken us?", isn't it right to take a moment and realize that those words have already been uttered by the One whose life was closest to God, they did not go unheard. The cries of our suffering Messiah were not in vain, because the lamb taken to the slaughter was risen from the dead in three days time and with that comes freedom and salvation.

You may disagree with what I am saying, you may just think of today as a day to be off of work, you may even this that I am crazy. But again, in a world such as we live in, I'd rather cling to hope than to death, because I know death has no power over me.

For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory. (Colossians 3:4)

Isaiah 53: 1-7, 9-12

He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering,
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised and we esteemed him not.

Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each one of us has turned to his own way;
and the Lord had laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the Lord's will to crush him and
cause him to suffer,
and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering
[...] the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.
After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
[...] because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.

Reconnecting...

When I went to Africa, I remember thinking how wonderfully strange it was to be in Africa, where I was born, the home I'd never really known. And it made sense. Deon even said "Africa is in your blood!" and I agree whole heartedly because deep down inside I know Africa is a part of who I am. That means a lot, especially to this little girl, who's moved quite a bit in her lifetime and doesn't always know where to say home is.

Now, in strange change of heart kind of situation, I find myself longing to reconnect to my home of fifteen years, Labrador. The circumstances which caused out move from there seven years ago were, well, less than desirable. My father lost he job very unexpectedly just over a year before I graduated high school, and again, the whole situation was a little messy. It generated lot of hurt and anger within my family. I won't air the dirty laundry, but because of this I began to associate a bitter taste in my mouth Lab West.

Furthermore, as I grew up, I noticed that who I was when I was there was less than desirable as well. I was downright mean at times - mean enough to allow myself to turn my back on my very own sister because she wasn't one of the "cool kids" and I desperately wanted nothing more than to be accepted. And, yes, I am aware that this is something that is very much associated with being a teenager, but all the same... Moving on from there gave me perspective on my selfish tendencies and the thought of going back was scary because it meant facing my ugly self.

Furthermore, there is a part of me that always felt isolated and boxed in by being in a small town. Maybe it was because my mother never failed to remind me that there was a whole big world out there, and not to rule out any possibilities. Maybe it just comes down to the fact that I I don't have that inherent tie to Wabush now because my family has moved and most of my friends too. I guess that's why it's so strange to me now to want to get back in touch with my "home".

Mostly, I find myself missing the people. There are so many great people in Labrador West that I cut myself off from 1) because I'm really, really bad at staying in touch and 2) because it was hard to stay in touch because I wanted to move forward and I selfishly thought that Lab West was going to hold me back. (NB: To any of you great friends, please accept a heartfelt apology - you are still wonderful).

Lately, mostly through the wonders of My Space, I've managed to reconnect with a lot of these people from home. It's great! I'm even making new friends with people that I only kinda sorta knew back then. Plus, I'm actually considering going back to visit at some point once I get back in touch with some of my friend who are there. And I'm really excited about this prospect. I miss the woods, I miss the water, I miss the feeling of Newfoundland and Labrador.

Maybe there's more Labrador in me than I thought.

p.s. Thank you to Larry Jenkins, Glen Benson and Mary Jacobs for their awesome photos.

Martha, you help us make good cookies!

Ok, so just as I predicted, the sleepover was so very much fun. Contrary to popular belief, we did not have tickle fights in our underwear, or talk about boys. We did, however, eat lots of sugary things, watch a tween movie and stay up late. It was great. Ann Marie and Johanna came over for a bit on Friday night, and we just had fun being girls. It was great!

Saturday morning, we slept in a bit, and then Lisa came over for some much needed bonding over brunch time. (Brunch feast = caramel cinnamon buns, bacon, omelet, cantalope...mmm...) It was great because the whole situation was kinda thus: Rachel calls Lisa says come eat breakfast; Lisa says she'd eaten already but will come for coffee; Lisa comes and eats full serving of food. Ha!

After we cleaned up the breakfast stuff, we just kinda lazed around and then embarked on a new adventure - making sugar cookies using Rachel's amazing KitchenAid mixer and a recipe from Martha Stewart. With this dynamic duo, we were bound to succeed, especially seeing as the recipe involved adding brandy or cognac to the dough - we didn't have either, so we got adventurous and added Disaronno. Mmm...Oh, and we also iced the cookies with Easter coloured royal icing. It was a blast - think arts and crafts meet cookie making. It was priceless.

All in all, it was a great sleepover/lazy Saturday (seeing as I didn't get home until 6:30!) Wow.

Love you girls.

Silly girl, isn't it your bedtime?

It's about 1:30 am, and I'm still messing around on my computer.  I should be sleeping.  This is silly.  But still, I opt for updating my MySpace profile, and I add new links and things to my blog. 

Silly girl, indeed.

Fun fashion and the push/pull

Tonight I went out dancing to celebrate my friends Ann Marie and Mena's birthday at Supermarket. It was a good time for sure, we danced as much as we could! (I didn't last nearly as long as I wanted to seeing as sleepover = going to sleep late and eating too many sweets). It was just another one of those funny FT does dancing outings that I always kinda think about afterwards.

Sometimes it's just weird to go out and do "normal" activities with the church fam. The whole dance club experience is super different. Normally, the whole clubbing context is generally sexualized and surrounded in a flood of alcohol (at it's worst mind you) but that element isn't a focus in the least when you're out with Christian friends. In fact, it's liberating to some extent because you know you don't have to worry about people trying to hassle you or hit on you, and it's nice. But at the same time it can be awkward depending on you own motivations for the evening...

For example, this evening, I felt good. I had on one of my "fun fashion" outfits on (see right) - i.e. an outfit that I had put a little thought into that is a little more funky - and there was a part of me that wanted the guys at the club to appreciate me for that, and my assets. In the back of my head, there was this small, self-serving voice that was saying "I look good tonight, I could totally make a good impression on a boy if I wanted to". The other voice was thinking "Do you really want that to be a basis for meeting your husband, 'cause that's what you really want, right?" It's a tricky push/pull that one...In the end, I don't think I really want either, I just want to be appreciate for who I am, and be ready to accept meeting the right person when the time comes. And that probably won't be at a club, and it may not even be at FT, I don't know. I'll have to wait and see.

I just makes me think about the fine balance between our own small inner voices and the still small voice that is meant to lead us onward. Vanity vs Victory. Which will win the next battle?

Good ol' fashioned sleepover!

Tonight's the night! I'm going to have a sleepover - like the ones you had in highschool and junior high with my girls Roshan, Rachel and Lisa and maybe even more. The plan is to wear flannel pjs, eat junkfood, watch girly movies, giggle, and to generally just have some fun.

I'm really looking forward to it seeing as, truth be told, I get a long much better with guys than I do with girls. It's a weird thing. Even since highschool I have usually had a small group of girls that I get along with, and the rest of my friends tend to be guys. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it may be because of the competitive edge that seems to be inherent in girl frienships. Having a "strong" personality makes it an interesting balance - in fact, more often that not, the girls I am friends with usually have strong personalities too - it cuts down the crap when you're not all vying for the same thing because you're all comfortable with your own thing.

So, yes, I'm excited about tonight. Plus, sometimes, there is just serious lack of girl bonding at FT, and I'm jumping at the chance to spend some QT - quality time (vs AT - ass time) with the girls.

Here's props in advance.

A new role to fill

So, I've been dubbed with a new function, friends.  I have been officially given a purpose in life.  According to my friend Ryan I fill a void in his life and I am - get this - the equivalent to the annoying pop-up paperclip help tool in Microsoft Office.  Apparently I'm just oh so good a providing not needed information, distracting him from getting his work done, and all too satisfying to minimize.

Such beautiful imagery.  So eloquently put.  I just wish I could hide the sarcasm I feel nearly half as well. HA!

Just friends

"The friend zone", "we're just friends", "c'mon it's not like that, we're like brother and sister"...and so on. How many of us have been caught in that sort of situation when you're really rather be in another category? I know I've been there. I've been there to the point of going back and forth in the like/not like sense with a friend so many times that I've damned near ruined a great friendship. I've also been in the "just a friend" category with one to many men it seems. Ha! In fact, in High School, I end up being the girl that every guy I liked seemed to come to for advice about the girl he liked! Argh! No one likes being that position.

What do you do about it? Do you settle? If for some reason you can get past the romantic feelings you have for someone can you still be their friend? And when and if you get to a point where that isn't an option anymore, what do you do?

This is something I wonder about - the fine lines between friendship and romance and between infatuation and love. Surprise, surprise, I don't have all the answers. But it gets you thinking. What do you do for love? What do you do for friendship?

Maybe it just boils down to trust and vulnerability. In this "non-committal" world, maybe it's better to take a stance or even to just throw something at the wall and hope it sticks. Isn't that what it's about? You've got to put yourself out there, and just keep the faith that when it really matters the one you love will love you back.

But it doesn't always work that way. You might not always get that feeling in your gut that says "This is IT!" Maybe you'll just end up with a long lingering feeling that there is potential for more between you and a friend. Are you willing to risk everything for that potential, and what if that doesn't work out? Can you go back to being friends?

Well, at least on that I have an opinion. I believe there is always that potential. After all, I've managed to stay friends with at least 2 ex-boyfriends and numerous ex-almost-boyfriends...It just takes time, and understanding...maybe a good cry, pint of ice cream or in a worse case scenario a few days being plain bitchy (sorry Seaners). I'm so blessed to still have these friends because these are people I truly value. Of course, it does help if you've got a solid friendship/acquaintance to stand on before you start messing with it.

It's weird though, lately I've found myself toying with the other side of the coin. As hard as it may be, you may hit the wall and give into the fact that it may not be possible to remain friends, especially if you're always looking for something more. (This goes for both ex and crush situations as well). It comes down to realizing you just might have to surrender the friendship because you don't know how to love that person in an unselfish way. And that's not a fair or fun place to be in for either party. It's a tough thing to face, especially for one like me who has a hard time letting go of things in general (stupid perfectionist/stubborn streak). I don't like giving up without a fight. It's just humbling to realize that giving over something so important to you just might mean you're about to start one of the biggest fights/struggles of your life - one you may never get to give up on. Sometimes the willingness to take up the fight might just be enough.

Again, it's a fine line. One I'm going to keep walking until I land on the right side.

The OCSI: Toronto

Queen's Players Toronto is at it again. They've got a new show on the books, and it's shaping up to be one heck of a good time yet again. (And of course, with the added bonus of things being for charity).

This weekend I was very lucky to get a previous of the script, which is still in progress, and give some input on how things were progressing. The funniest part of the whole experience was that, well, I happen to be a HUGE CSI fan, and during the it's first season, I also watched The OC religiously. It seemed that I was pretty much the only one who knew all the characters, and it was rather funny...

I clearly watch entirely too much TV.

p.s. QPT are holding auditions for the show - details are on the website (see above link).

I gots me some new glasses!

So, I don't think I can honestly remember the last time I got a new pair of glasses, I feel it was at least a few years ago, so, yes, I took advantage of my benefits and I got new glasses. When I first put them on, I was like "yikes, these are conservative", but alas, I like these new ones. You guys can decide for yourself: