Overwhelmed/Sabotage

Tonight I'm feeling a little emotional and overwhelmed.

It's not something that easy to explain, other than it relates to a tough moment of having to face something I hate to admit: I need something.

That may sound simply enough to admit, but this isn't just something flippant I am saying. This is an incredibly stubborn and proud person, who loves to solve every little problem, and love to be "fine" saying, nay screaming - I need something, I cannot do this right by me or even by God. I am broken.

Ugh - even what I am writing is too cryptic to even really make sense - sorry readers. I'm trying to find a balance between expressing my inner thoughts and keeping myself from blurting out certain things I should keep to myself into the virtual world.

Tonight, or this weekend rather, I had a couple of different things happen to me. Most of them were good - most of them involved a slight change of heart - things that have touched my jaded/scarred heart and have said "Yes, there are truly amazing things out there - things you DESERVE. The desires of your heart are not wrong." Things like having a true best Christian girl friend, having a weekend with new and old friends, having an awesome learning moment with God. All great things.

So why am I feeling so overwhelmed and that I'm not sure what to do with myself? Am I running scared from being loved? Am I cheating myself with ingrained wordly thoughts that are telling me that I don't deserve these things? Am I simply being sabotaged by the Dark?

I don't know. No, that's not true. I do know in some ways. God help me, but I do. And what I don't know He will show me...but still...

I've been set to thinking about the ugly/dark things in me that have come bubbling to the surface this past little while. Emotions and hurt that are related to present circumstances, past circumstances, and worst of all childhood circumstances. You know what I mean - we all have them - little knotches or scars to wounds that we nurse/hide/heal in our hearts and minds. I see them building up into a wall around me and I am feeling like I am screaming from one side to the other. I see the light through the cracks and I want over or around this, but I am just not strong enough.

Sabotage.

But the major thing is that I do see the light. I am fully faithful that if I hack at this wall long enough it will fall down because this is God's will. I don't deserve God's grace and love, but yet this makes me a person all the more in need of it. I am want nothing else that to be the woman I am in Christ.

Prayer.

Until I am, world, please be careful with me. I'm just not that strong sometimes.