Sometimes I enjoy being a girl, other times I just get annoyed with myself. The reason? The my abilities to over analyze and self-depricate. Yikes. Though most of the time it's unecessary, sometimes it's good - it allows me to realize something is wrong. But right now, in the last few days, it's just been tough to deal with. I'm torn...in more ways than one. I'm generally happy - I just started my new job and I'm enjoying it, some friends of mine are having a fantastic day (Go R-Dawg and J-Sonic!), but there is a part of me that is stumbling through some major hurt feelings and dissapointments. They aren't new types of feelings and it's not really even a new situation, but still, it sucks.
Ever find it hard to balance things like hope and dispair? Yes, it's one of the lovely dichotomies of this world. Most times I enjoy two sides, but really...
Honestly, I'm trying to be cautious in what I say - this is a blog that so many people read, and well, I don't want everyone questioning my sanity or something (ha!). No, really, it's just hard to be completely vulnerable over the internet! But regardless of those concerns, I did promise insights into a woman's mind, right?
The situation is thus - once again I am feeling the unduly dissapointments of feeling like an object of infatuation rather than an object of admiration. And well, it really, really feels wretched. It's just awful to constantly feel like boys are looking at you as someone who would be lovely to shag and not someone who is worthy to snag. It's only your dear friends who sticks around long enough to see you for who you are, and relationships aren't meant to be in the picture with them. Other boys come and go and some are bad, and some are great. And you find yourself hoping that well, just maybe, maybe this one will want to know me, for real. This one will want to talk, will want to flirt, but most importantly will want to be your friend and lover (used in a Jane Austen suitor-type way). Yet something always happens, ALWAYS - and you find yourself hurt and teary-eyed, wondering "What's wrong with me?" You see other girls - boys seem to be willing to bend over backwards for them. You wonder "Am I just someone who's around to boost boys egos for a while until they find the real thing?" - like a rainbow, pretty and nice to admire, but just really something to follow until you find the pot of gold. The rainbow just fades away...
When I consider all these pent up feelings, it's tough to realize just how affected I have been by my past. You see, I'm really good at hiding stuff when I don't want to confront it. More often than not I will blow off a situation thinking "Whatever, it doesn't matter that you were hurt, you don't need that person". Luckily I'm managed to step out of most of the cycles of feeling like I'm not worthy at all - it's a long uphill struggle from hating yourself to loving yourself (11 years and counting...) and I can deal with dissapointment in constructive ways, and I learn. I pray for more strength. It's just certain times, I revert back to being a very unconfident young teenager who heard it said of her that she was "probably a great lay, but nothing more" - and that part of me that believe this screams in agony, and the part of me that knows it's not true stumbles a little...
And I pray for more strength and see how much I've grown, and that I'm no longer that girl, in fact I never was. But the situation still hits hard because that little piece of you that isn't jaded, that little piece that still hopes and is willing to be vulnerable feels like it's been slapped in the face...again. You feel like you want to puke.
Eventually you move on - quickly or slowly it doesn't matter - and you begin to forget about how you got hurt and you start to hope all over again. You never know, it might just stick some day. And if not, you can always get yourself a new pair of shoes. Because in the end, boys can come and go, but you will always need shoes! ;)
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7 comments:
As somebody who is 2 years older, I think you are about 10 minutes away from figuring out that *those* guys (a) do not matter, and (b) aren't as many as you think. The thing is, we are trained as women (I think) to cater to peoples' false expectation of us. But every day that you walk with Christ, you learn to be made free of that shit (it's hard to explain...)
(Also, you may not realize that you probably scare the crap out of the nice ones :).)
I must admit: writing this is a lot easier when you do it anonymously than when you have your name attached to your work.
From a guy's perspective, things are not always that rosy either. Especially if you are not the best looking guy out there. We, being the hunters have much more direct consequences for the initial actions in any romantic relationship, since it is generally expected of us to make the first move. And most often, negative feedback does not come as a simple "no, I'm not interested" (which would be the nicest and most honest answer, but few women give this). Instead, the rejection is often stretched a little, making you relive the consequences of your actions numerous consecutive times. Then again, maybe we should realize that an answer like "I'm busy" really means "Go to !%#@%."
I am of course no expert in these matters, so all I can do is talk for me. I seem to have some hardwired streak of stubbornness in me. I refuse to give up on a girl that seems to be a good "snag" as you put it. But this mentality does seem to come with a hefty price. Each time things do not work out, a part of you dies. Just a little piece of you stops functioning the way it ought to. After a while you start wondering if there is anything left, but it seems as if this darkness always finds new crevasses to consume. In the mean time you seek ways to improve yourself. Mind, body and spirit. But it seems like no matter how much you try to improve yourself (and succeed for that matter); only under exceptional circumstances does it even begin to even look like it might be good enough for the girl. It leaves you wondering: "What's wrong with me?" You see other guys -- they seem to have no problem finding a nice girl; sometimes those guys are really dumb and have shady characters. You wonder "Do girls even have the slightest interest in someone who is prepared to go to the moon and back in order to make the earth a better place to live in." Like a tool, a function of society today, but just really something to use until it has outlived its utility. The tool just rusts to dust...
Dear Felicity Jane, from everything that I have seen so far, you are the jackpot. Looking down at your shoes would not be helpful for you to realize that.
-=- Some Joe Schmo -=-
Hi girl. I agree with the guy above. I too am actually feel pretty crappy today. No girl seems to think I'm good enough for them. Do I go around with a big sign on my forehead that says "useless" ?!?
I've met you in real life. And I can tell you that (cross my heart and hope to die) you are one of the brightest, most cheerful, most beautiful (both inside and outside) people I have had the good fortune to meet. Take care, love.
-QZ
Hey Felicity,
Sounds familiar. Take heart in God's sovereignty, my friend, and call me when you need someone to commiserate with. :)
Rachel
I have been thinking some more about your statement: "It's only your dear friends who sticks around long enough to see you for who you are, and relationships aren't meant to be in the picture with them." I am inclined to disagree with you on this statement. At least somewhat. To me, I do not want to date a girl unless I first got to know her as a very good friend. I am not sure how many other guys would take this point of view, though.
I guess I have always seen a romantic relationship as something that is built on top of a friendship. I would like to hear how you think a romantic relationship should be built. I guess what I'm trying to say (within the context of the original posting), is that I do not know any of the works of Jane Austen. So please enlighten me (also within the context of the original posting).
-=- Some Joe Schmo -=-
Hey, Joe,
In response to your question...Basically, my wording is confusing here. What I meant by that statement is that the guys that I have know who have stuck around and who really know me are men that I love and respect, but for whatever reason, I am not meant to be with them in a relationship context. For instance, I have a really good friend, and we just don't have romantic chemistry like that. Other friends I've done the back and forth with, but it's not meant to be.
I agree that relationships should be based on frienships - in fact, it's probably the best way to go because it tends to eliminate the tendency to believe you know someone better than you do that often happens with infatuation.
I don't know if this helps answer your question...ask me more if you want more thoughts.
You wrote this post on my birthday, hmmm. I don't want you to feel this way again.
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