Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways

So, yes, figures. About 5 minutes after posting my last little rant, a girl walked up to me and offered to help me out as much as she could - just for 2 weeks, but that's a start. Ha! Serves me right.

The big "G" is tricky sometimes. (Looks up) Tricky!

Feeling frustrated

So, I'm really excited. I'm about to start on a new adventure in church, I've got a new Living Room. Wahoo. The merge should be great. But alas, I'm finding myself discouraged right now because it doesn't look like I'll be able to attend for the next little while due to circumstances beyond my control. I've got hope, but it lies in the hands of others, and therein lies the trouble.

I'm actually feeling very sad today - mostly because there is a lack of people who are willing to try and help me out of my predicament. In fact, it seems as though people are being downright rude about me asking for help. This frustrates me, because I'm almost positive that these people have been in the same boat as me at some point or another. Grr.

I guess I've just gotta breathe and remember it's not up to me, it's up to Him.

The looming death of Joe Muggs

Today is a sad day.

I got up and got ready for work. During my routine, I began my daily ritual with Joe Muggs (my steel thermal mug bought almost 3 years ago at a coffee joint called Joe Muggs). Today, I found him sick and he couldn't come with me to work. Sigh.


Joe Muggs and I have had a relationship with for a while now. We first started our hot and sometimes steamy relationship when I was at camp. He would cheer me up with loving warmth in the cold mornings and it was lovely. He was there to keep things at just the right level - sometimes piping hot, other times luke warm. We've had a good handle on things over the years, always keeping a lid on it so nothing would come spilling out to hurt anyone.

This morning I found Joe was incontinent. He must be getting too old for regular outings. Oh Joe, I'm going to miss you.

Today I want to write something intelligent...

But alas, I went to bed at 2am because I was more content to put the pictures on my blog of myself that I was to go to sleep when I got home from seeing Memoirs of a Geisha with my friend Sharon. Now I'm tired and not feeling intelligent at all. Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow.

Pieces of me

More great lessons from musical theatre

John and Jen (just for Tuffy)
book by Andrew Lippa and Tom Greenwald lyrics by Tom Greenwald music by Andrew Lippa
- sometimes the past will catch up with you, other times it will haunt you, either way don't spend too much time clinging to old regrets because it will stop you from living life
- don't expect someone to be exactly the same as someone else you once knew

Cabaret
book by Joe Masteroff lyrics by Fred Ebb music by John Kander
- no matter how much you want to ignore the reality of life outside your personal bubble it will always catch up with you in the end
- there's no sense in living your life too morbidly because life has got to have some fun despite the bad, in other words "Life is a cabaret, old chum, and I love a cabaret!"

Chicago
book by Bob Fosse and Fred Ebb lyrics by Fred Ebb music by John Kander
- never underestimate the power of a good story and a little bit of sensationalism from the press

Hair
book and lyrics by Gerome Ragni and James Rado music by Galt MacDermot
- if you were on drugs in the sixties this show might actually make sense
- putting a Shakespearean sonnet to music makes for a pretty great song

The Sound of Music
book by Howard Lindsay and Russell Crouse lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II music by Richard Rodgers
- the path you initially set out on in life might not be the path that you end up on in the end, either way with a little help (and some singing) you can climb every mountain you come across

Aida
book by Linda Woolverton, Robert Falls and David Henry Hwang lyrics by Tim Rice music by Elton John
- time, place, race and status don't matter when it comes to love because in the end love is all that matters
- sometimes a dress can be your strongest suit

Little Shop of Horrors
book and lyrics by Howard Ashman Music by Alan Menken based on a film by Roger Corman screenplay by Charles Griffith
- don't let a man beat on you just because you're afraid to step out on your own, you don't know you own strength
- never trust a plant that sucks your blood

The Producers
book, lyrics and music by Mel Brooks
- old ladies might be willing to do just about anything for someone they like
- "Springtime for Hitler" - hahahaha! Enough said.

The Music Man
book, lyrics, and music by Meredith Willson
- don't' automatically believe that smooth-talking salesman doesn't have a conscience, he might just surprise you
- you CAN learn to play an instrument by the think system
- overly repetitive songs can wear on your nerves if they get stuck in your head for too long (Pick-a-little, talk-a-little-cheep-cheep-cheep...)

Funny Girl
book by Isobel Lennart lyrics by Bob Merrill music by Jule Styne
- never ever rain on a girl's parade, she's got a lot more going for her than you might think
- never count on a man to be your sole source of happiness
- Barbara Streisand really is "like buttah" in the movie musical

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
book by Hugh Wheeler lyrics and music by Stephen Sondheim
- no matter how good a pie is remember that there might be something sketchy about the source of the meat
- revenge can get messy, maybe it's better to forgive before turning into a demon barber
- Stephen Sondheim is an amazing musical writer

Guys and Dolls
book by Jo Swerling and Abe Burrows lyrics and music by Frank Loesser
- there's always trouble when you decide to rock the boat, so "sit down, sit down, sit down!"
- men, don't leave an engaged woman hanging on for too long, she might just get sick of (or because of) the whole thing

Wicked
book by Winnie Holzman lyrics and music by Stephen Schwartz based on the book by Gregory McGuire
- there is always another side to a story, just ask Elphaba

Gypsy
book by Arthur Laurents lyrics by Stephen Sondheim music by Jule Styne
- you don't always have to listen to your mother, because sometimes even she might not have your best interests in mind all the time
- never let people tell you what you can and can't do because we all have hidden talents
- anyone can be "Moo-sical"

Into the Woods
book by James Lapine lyrics and music by Stephen Sondheim
- really clever lyrics do exist!!!

The Pirates of Penzance
libretto by Sir William S. Gilbert music by Sir Arthur S. Sullivan
- even old school operettas can be very funny if you get the timing just right
- never underestimate the comedic power of an overextended coloratura moment
- trouble with orphans can happen "orph-ten"

Rent
book, lyrics and music by Jonathan Larson based on Puccini's opera La Bohème
- no matter how down and out, how sick, or how messed up you think you are, you can always find hope, love, and a good time when you open your eyes to the world

Urinetown
book by Greg Kotis lyrics by Greg Kotis and Mark Hollmann music by Mark Hollmann
- you CAN write a tongue-in-cheek Brechtian style music all about urine and still win Tony's
- "What kind of a musical is this anyway?"

West Side Story
book by Arthur Laurents music by Leonard Bernstein lyrics by Stephen Sondheim
- even though you might come from different backgrounds, you're more like your neighbour than you thought
- sometimes it's just nice to feel pretty, oh so pretty.

Songs for a New World

lyrics and music by Jason Robert Brown
- you don't have to have a story to make a worthwhile musical theatre experience

- "~ God knows it's easy to hide,

Easy to hide from the things that you feel

And harder to blindly trust

What you can't understand

~ God knows it's easy to run,

Easy to run from the people you love

And harder to stand and fight

For the things you believe"

- "~ Listen to the song that I sing

Listen to the words in my heart

Listen to the hope I can bring

And you'll start to grow

And shine

~ Listen to the song that I sing

And trust me

~ We'll be fine..."

Some of the greatest lessons I've learned from musical theatre

Five Guys Named Moe
book by Clarke Peters music and lyrics by Louis Jordan
- you can always have a funkybutt time at the funkybutt club
- drowning your sorrows in musical numbers works out far better than drowning your sorrows in drinking.

Les Miserables
book by Alain Boublil music by Claude-Michel Schönberg
- no matter how unappreciated it might seem, it is always beautiful to give your life to save someone you love
- never underestimate the blessings you'll get if you surrender yourself to God's will (and yes, you can come back from being "evil")

My Fair Lady
book by Alan Jay Lerner music by Frederick Loewe
- if you're going to change who you are and your position in life do it because you want to and not to please a man

Gigi
book by Alan Jay Lerner music by Frederick Loewe
- it's never right for an older man to impose his womanizing ways on a young impressionable girl

Lucky Stiff
book and lyrics by Lynn Ahrens lyrics by Stephen Flaherty
- even diamonds in the rough can turn out to be courageous, funny and just a little bit charming
- ever nerd deserves a chance to shine

Bye Bye Birdie
book by Micheal Stewart lyrics by Lee Adams music Charles Strouse
- building someone up in your mind to be something they are not isn't a good thing, in other words gold lammé doesn't make the man
- never underestimate the power of Ed Sullivan

Newsies
music by Alan Menken and Jack Feldman
- standing up for what you believe in is never a bad thing
- even young people can start a revolution
- "Headlines don't seel paps, newsies sell paps!"

Bat Boy - The Musical
book and story by Keythe Farley and Brian Fleming music and lyrics by Laurence O'Keefe
- even a social outcast needs somewhere to call home
- never trust a slightly unhinged veterinarian

Crazy For You
book by Ken Ludwig lyrics by Ira Gershwin music by George Gershwin
- there is no use hiding your true self from the person you love, you don't want them falling in love with a completely different person do you?

A Chorus Line
book by James Kirkwood and Nicholas Dante lyrics by Edward Kleban music by Marvin Hamlisch
- "Tits and ass won't get you jobs unless they're yours!"

The Rocky Horror Show
book, lyrics and music by Richard O'Brian
- don't ever go into a dark lonely house after dark, especially if it's owned by a a transsexual tranvestite with VERY loose morals
- a well timed "Brad!", "Janet!", "Dr.Scott!" routine will always be a great moment to watch

Annie
book by Thomas Meehan lyrics by Martin Charnin music by Charles Strouse
- having a bunch of friends who love you and who are just a little bit tough really makes a difference
- too much bathtub gin can make you go loopy

Blood Brothers
book, lyrics and music by Willy Russell
- regardless of your position in life the actions you choose are your own, take ownership of them and don't blame all your problems on your status in life

Grease
book, lyrics and music by Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey
- no matter how in love you are, changing yourself to become more racy with ensure that you secure your man's affection (HA!)

City of Angels
book by Larry Gelbart lyrics by David Zippel music by Cy Coleman
- somedays it would just be nice to be able to re-write moments in your life
- saying "good day" backwards is always funny - do it "yad doog"! ha!

My giant carpet bag

About two months ago, I bought a lovely carpet bag. It was just ten dollars at my friend Esther's store. I use it all the time to tote my stuff to and from work. It carries my lunch, my mug, my wallet, my journal, sometimes my Bible, my books, my lip gloss, my pens, my umbrella...I love it!

For some reason, today, my carpet bag reminded me of a few things. I thought about other famous carpet bags - well, famous to me at least because they are in some of my favourite childhood stories. One is Anne's bag in Anne of Green Gables. It's the very bag that Anne latches on to when she first comes to the Island. In it is everything that that little girl had. Everything. Then I thought of the magic carpet bag that Mary Poppins has. The bag that never seemed to have a bottom, the one from which Mary pulls her entire bedroom furnishings. In it, she had everything she needed. Everything.

So, as you can all guess, this carpet bagging (this being meant as a pun rather than the actual traditional meaning for carpetbagging found here) is going to lead to another set of musings by myself. Hope you're ready for it! ;)

It's funny to think about how much I like to put in my purses on a given day. It almost seems like carry about everything I own and I guess it's almost like a security blanket. Hmm. It made me stop today and think about what other baggage I tote around with me. And the truth is, like all of us, I'm carting around emotional baggage. Do I take comfort in that?

My initial response it to dig my heels in and scream "Heck, NO!". Nobody really wants emotional baggage, right? I know I'm sick of lugging around years of hurt and mistrust and shame and (insert adjective here). So then why am I still holding on to this crap?

Well, the truth is, I don't have an answer. I don't think any of us can really be sure why we find ourselves struggling with the past when we are looking towards the future. Maybe it comes down to the whole nature/nuture arguement, I don't know. All I do know is that we are all marred or at least marked in some way because our life experiences.

Maybe we're all viewing life through just too pessimistic a perspective. It's all too easy to remember the tough times, the times you were hurt and the times where you just scraped by. What about all those times when you beat the system? What about the times of pure joy and elation? Don't you think that if we started carrying around these "positivities" that we would find our baggage light and easy to carry?

Hmm, and the Truth (with a capital "T" with rhymes with "G" which stands for God) is that we actually don't have to be burdened at all, because we a free in Him. This is a brilliant thing! Yes, we may always carry with us the lessons learned from the consequences on our actions, but we do not have to be brought down by them. Our sins have been forgiven, and our old selves will fall away in the new being we are in Jesus Christ. (Eph 4:22-24 - Props to Ryan for his comment). There is hope that we will become ever more Christ-like and comfortable enough with ourselves to only carry along the gifts given to us by Jesus, rather than the fleeting aspects this world.

Think about it. It's a glorious thing.

We do not have to sit and contemplate our navels, or beat ourselves up because of stupid actions and so on, because the past is not where we are meant to be living. We are meant to live for something more (well said Switchfoot). There is a whole other force working in us.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So, yeah, I say, "Jesus I'm gonna I put you in my carpet bag and take you with me always because you have everything I need! Everything!" And I'm sure He says "Amen to that!".

The Book of Lists

Ok, I swear this books was written for me! hehehe. It's great. Love it! Where else can you find a compiled bunch of lists of crazy random facts?

You can get your own on Amazon!

Parades, charades and facades

According to Mirriam-Webster:

Parade: a pompous show
Charade: an empty or deceptive act or pretense
Facade: a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

You may be wondering why I'm thinking about these definitions. It comes about because of a little personal growth that's being nudged along in my life that's lead me to think about the way I portray myself to the outside world on a daily basis.

Lately, based on some conversations I've had with friends, I have been pondering my "selves". I say "selves" because the truth is, yes, I do have different facets of personality that come out at different times, and that are, in fact, so contrasting at times that I really can seem like I am more than one person.

I first began to notice my distinct selves within the last year, when I began to ponder how I was viewed when I was at school. I would have two different types of interactions for the most part. The first was with my Christian friends, the group of people that seemed to have it all together, the ones that were just right in their walk with God. And I wanted to be one of them, really, I wanted to be 110% Godly, and I wanted to seems like I was a good Christian girl, and I wanted...well, I wanted it too much to really feel it was possible. I found myself trying to pretend that I was so much more pious than I was really feeling so that I wouldn't feel like I was so much on the outs when it came to salvation. I became, in some ways, a fake Christian, one who pretends to be in tact...at least to the outside world.

My second personality that came about, and that can still come about, is what I like to call my wild streak. The part of me that just wants to rebel against everyone's view of me as a good little girl. It's the part of me that wants to be a bad ass. It's the part of me that will make inappropriate jokes, and flirt, and do things just for the sake of proving to others that I will do them. The wild steak often takes a hold when I'm with certain groups of people who are well, more relaxed in morality than some of my other friends, and it often gets me into sticky situations. Often after it takes a hold I've come out thinking that what just happened wasn't really me. The daring part was, yes, but the actions were just...off...

Over the past year, I've really tried to tie these two elements of myself together in such a way that I'm real. That means cutting away the crap, the fakeness, the parades, charades and facades that I want to hide behind. I try to consider my actions in a way that is Truthful. Luckily I've made some great friends this year who are really wanting to see me be the true person that I really am. I feel I'm doing better. I don't feel like I have a dual personality as much, although there are moments when both the pious and the wild seem to be in charge. I'm beginning to see how important it is to be consistent.

When you really think about it, it's just astounding how much we hide from the world. Whether it's by something superficial like makeup (yes, Karl, "the mask") and clothes or whether is in defensive mechanisms that have been built up because of many years of emotional baggage, the older we get, the more we want to conceal ourselves. Or rather, the better we get at our abilities to hide hurts deep down inside. In some senses, we teach ourselves to be less transparent, to keep the "realness" behind wall. But often this backfires, simply because the deeper we place ourselves in the middle of unreality the more transparent the falsness becomes.

Is there really any value in hiding?

I understand that there is a difference here in hiding versus guarding your heart. So just to be clear, I'm not talking about circumstances where it is necessary to protect your heart a little from evilness and hurtfulness desgined to cut you to the core, I'm talking about hard formed walls and masks that we wear so that to the outer world we seem whole, perfect and flawless. That's what hiding is. It's taking all of yourself and shoving into a neatly articulated and well groomed package. Or as I'm guitly of doing, placing yourself into easily adaptable and interchangeable facades that you can slip between depending on the moment. Facades that become second nature, facades that show just enough of who you are in a specific time and place, without showing what you think about in the truest parts of you, your inner-most self.

It's funny how these walls ended up hurting you rather than protecting you.

This week, as I've been writing this post in bits and pieces, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of troubles I've landed myself in by not being able to open myself up fully in a natural way. Wow, it's tough to think about. Really. But at the same time it's good to think about.

It's made me realize just how I've hurt myself more than I ever intended because I've have wanted to protect my deep self from being exposed to the world. I think about the way in which I've never really let someone love me because I couldn't share all of me. You never want to loose your whole self, that's just not safe, right? I think about the ways in which I played into certain roles in the attempts to make myself feel powerful, and in the end I just sold myself short. I exerted a part of me that was not whole, a self that was fake, and still that part was rejected. And that hurt way more because not only was I left feeling cheated, used and cheap, I also had to deal with my own anger towards myself for not being a person that I really wanted to be.

And it stings. Oh, how it stings.

My friend pointed out to me this week, that trying to walk around pretending to be perfect isn't natural. It's really not. Each of us has flaws, each of us has biases, and each one of us has emotional baggage. The best we can do is acknowledge this, keep on walking through life,and stepping up again after we stumble because of any of the above mentioned things. Really, what else can we do? If we build up a wall, a moat, or even a mountain of booby-traps around us, the more and more we're just going to find that we're being slowed down and separated from the life we want to live. All our strength will be placed into the upkeep of a peeling-off label instead of letting the whole and true product be maximized by love.

So, here's to keeping it real.

It's nice to know...

Today I got an excellent review from my supervisor at work. He was really impressed with my customer service skills! Sweet. It's just nice to know sometimes that you're doing a good job and that you're being appreciated for what you do.

Yay!

CD shopping a-go-go!

Today after work I decided to stop by Sonic Boom and get me some new CDs. I just wanted to look around, get inspired, and I sort of did. In the end, I just scored some sweet used goods - all albums that I've been wanting for a while but didn't want to pay full price for, and then a couple of other choices.

The list is as follows:
1. Ben Folds ~ Rockin' the Suburbs
- a good solid choice to add to my Ben Folds collection. It's got my fave song "Annie Waits" on it, plus "The Luckiest", a song I want to play at my wedding...not to forget the great title track.

2. Ben Lee ~ Gamble Everything for Love
- a little collection of tunes by a great Australian singer. I was lucky enough to see him in concert this summer with Ben Folds and Rufus Wainwright. I really like "Hellbent for Heaven", a great find in the end, which is nice when you take a chance.

3. Bloc Party ~ Silent Alarm
- just to have my own, really. I borrowed this CD from my friend Karl the other day, and well, didn't get enough time to give it a solid listen. Figured for $11 used I couldn't go wrong.

4. Feist ~ Let It Die
- SUPER SCORE! I've been meaning to buy this for a long time now. Love the album. Happy because it was just $11 used.

5. Metric ~ Live It Out
- the new Metric. Meh...I think I like the first a little better, probably because I really love the song Combat Baby, but I think there are some really solid songs on the album. I'm glad, seeing as this was a new purchase, and not used.

That is all.

Another poem

The Divine Image
by William Blake

To Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
All pray in their distress;
And to these virtues of delight
Return their thankfulness.

For Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
Is God, our father dear,
And Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
Is Man, his child and care.

For Mercy has a human heart,
Pity a human face,
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.

Then every man, of every clime,
That prays in his distress,
Prays to the human form divine,
Love, Mercy, Pity, Peace.

And all must love the human form,
In heathen, Turk, or Jew;
Where Mercy, Love, and Pity dwell
There God is dwelling too.

A poem

Nothing Gold Can Stay
by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

It's snow bunny's business (ugh...AWFUL, I know)

This past weekend I did it! Yep, I finally attempted the one thing that I have been wanting to do since high school! I tried snowboarding for the very first time! Wahoo!

For any of you out there who know and love this sport, you know that it is not an easy sport to learn - you have to be prepared to basically get creamed in the process. I definately learned that! I tell you, I landed on my butt so many times, not to mention landing on my wrists and knees. I've got a few bruises that are still black! But it's definately worth it. Really.

It was really fun to go - myself and my friend Roshan got to learn together, so it was a bit of emotional support and it was someone to laugh with despite the aches. On top of which, two of my good friends were very patiently teaching us - I really felt like they were proud of us for trying as hard as we did. Thanks guys!

It's looks as if I'll be going again soon. Hopefully this time I'll improve!

A whole new year experience

It's amazing, really, I can finally report that I did in fact have a very good New Year's Eve this year! (Well, not that it could get worse from last year - I was so sick coming off a JetsGo flight with a cold that I felt like I had been hit by a truck and I ended and a ruptured eardrum and off for a week. New Years consisted of me going to bed at 10:30 pm and staying in bed for almost 2 days).

New Year's Eve started out with me getting a chance to meet up with my best girlfriend Courtney for dinner. I met up with her in the east end at her mother-in-law's place. We had wine, we talked, we were girly. When I arrived, the girls were actually busy upstairs getting ready, so we got to talk and I got to share in the very lovely phenomenon that happens when a bunch of girls are getting ready to go out together. There was hair fixing and outfit choosing. Plus there was something really nice about Courtney asking me to do her eye make-up like I used to do when we were at Queen's. Sigh. So great! It was nice to meet a bunch of her friends that she hangs out with from home and Teacher's College, because it's not always easy to stay in touch about the every day with my girls, seeing as we don't live in the same place anymore. Plus, it's always a treat to talk with Craig, Coutney's husband. He's a really genuine person, and so very fantastic to hang with as well. It was a great start to the night!

Next stop was to visit my friends Coatesy and Ball, uptown. They were having a little shindig at their place and I wanted to stop by. It was great to hang around with some of my Queen's friends that have been spread out all over the place lately - some as far as England. We laughed, we talked, we took silly pictures. It was so fun. A highlight was seeing our friend Dougie getting a little tipsy in the kitchen, he's usually the model of restraint. Luckily it wasn't too messy. ;) Apparently I missed the crowning moment of the night, though, when one of the guys decided to challenge Coatesy to a one for one drinking competition - as expected, the challenger was drunk under the table by the Seaners, in fact, he lost so badly that he puked! Oh my...

But my final destination for the evening was to be with my Freedomize crew to ring in the midnight hour. We ate, we sipped wine, we talked - we even danced like crazy people in Luke's living room. It was so much fun! It was just great to be with these people that I consider to be my family here in Toronto - not that friends aren't good enough, but these are the people I live with and are with most of the time. It was nice to sit and talk - Andrew my best bud was there, my friend Anne Marie, and my friend...ok, this could take forever!

Another highlight of the night was getting a chance to sit and sing worship songs with Anne Marie - I was in a half-asleep kind of mode, and it was just calming to sit and listen to her play the guitar and praise God for the new year. The feeling actually continued on in church the next night - it's a brand new time to get things started and to learn more and to have adventures...it's a good time to be alive and to worship!

My wish now is that all of you out there had a great New Year's Eve as well, and are all feeling the hope of new things to come! Yeehaw 2006!