A thoughtful post

So, It's been ages since I've written on my blog. To tell you the truth, I've thought about it tons of times, but I just haven't felt the motivation to get to writing. It doesn't help that I've been super busy (directing a show, travelling to Germany, and the like). Plus it's summer - it's nice outside, and I don't want to spend my nice sunny evenings squandering my hours on my computer. Really.

But I also have to admit, I've had the blahs as well. I've been totally stressed out and maxed out these days. It's like I never have time to relax. I run from work to event to event to sleep to work to event to sleep to work to event...I'm sure you get the picture. It really does take a toll. So often, people who are like me don't take the time to take care of ourselves. We go, go, go until we just can't handle it anymore. Then we collapse, recover slightly and then start to fill lives up all over again. And it's just tiring.

I know I'm not one to criticize anyone for this approach in life. Heaven knows I'm much happier when I'm going full tilt rather than sitting twiddling my thumbs. In fact, I detest being idle. It makes me feel lazy and unmotivated. And that's dangerous. Really. Once that feeling is triggered, I start to decend into feeling resentfulness for not having enough to do - especially at work or with organizations where I want to help out. Kinda silly, but still it happens. On the other hand, if I get too busy and take on too much, this lack of a break pushes me into feeling misunderstood and unappreciated if I feel that others aren't at the very least validating what I'm doing and if they don't do as much as me. Clearly I am a drama queen.

But the question is - why? Why does it have to feel this way? I'm beginning to think it is because I've got my motivations all mixed up. I want to help people and feel useful for recognition, for validation, and that's just not what life is all about. It's about finding a balance, centering yourself and walking steadfast away from the anchor on which you stand without pulling on the chain to hard. It's about servitude and not attitude.

I've been really struck by this thought in the last two days. I keep complaining (loudly) about being unhappy and unmotivated. I feel under-appreciated and overworked. Really, it's just my pride that feels that way. Inside my Spirit is just saying - hold firm, God will restore you. God will give you the will and the ability to serve others. This is a gift not something to make you feel better. And I've been neglecting that Spirit.

So, I'm gonna work on one thing - breathing - feeling that sense of Spirit enter my lungs has give me strength. I mean, afterall, every drama queen needs a little bit of humulity.